this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2024
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[–] MermaidsGarden@lemmy.world 260 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I’ve had it up to here with people saying JD Vance had sex with a couch. How many times do I have to say there’s no evidence JD Vance had sex with a couch before people stop saying JD Vance had sex with a couch? Liberals must be pretty desperate to make up that JD Vance had sex with a couch. The story that on March 17, 2011 JD Vance was banned from a Cleveland area IKEA after so thoroughly deflowering a KIVIK Sofa Chaise that it had to be removed as a biohazard due to the various fluids in and around it, causing the night manager to not only quit but need intensive therapy is beyond the pale. Who would believe this? There is sworn. court. testimony. that JD Vance has not made bare skin contact with a couch within the past 5 years. That’s a fact. Look it up. The idea that this is because JD Vance cannot contain his overwhelming sexual urges in the presence of soft furniture is reckless conjecture. Calling JD Vance a couchfucker is slander and you need to take it back.

The Left™ will do anything to avoid talking about the real issues in this campaign, like the fact that Kamala Harris laughs sometimes.

[–] iamjackflack@lemm.ee 16 points 3 months ago (2 children)

It’s funny you say that. However it’s a Fox News person that’s asking for this.

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[–] ianhclark510@lemmy.blahaj.zone 225 points 3 months ago (2 children)

JD Vance is too much of a coward to release the couch sex tape

#releasethecouchtape

[–] dogsnest@lemmy.world 106 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] thefartographer@lemm.ee 24 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Two males? Are they buttery?

[–] Nobody@lemmy.world 49 points 3 months ago (6 children)

Why are they not releasing the couch sex tape? What are they hiding? Was there a loveseat involved?

[–] ThePantser@lemmy.world 53 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Because the couch was underage.

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[–] ptz@dubvee.org 148 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

There's a lot to unpack in that statement:

“We don’t buy the hoaxes and believe the hype anymore,” he continued.

Yeah, Fox sells them, not buys them. Get your facts straight.

“Our eyes are wide open.

Uh-oh. That sounds pretty woke to me.

And if you’re gonna accuse someone of having sex with a couch, you better have video.” He then brought on a guest to discuss whether Harris has a chance at winning the election in November without further explaining his request for the video.

Yes, because you want to see it....for totally normal reasons.

[–] charles@lemmy.world 68 points 3 months ago (13 children)
[–] IchNichtenLichten@lemmy.world 31 points 3 months ago

Sofa king weird.

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[–] ech@lemm.ee 20 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

"Absolutely revolting claim! And where's the proof? The video? I need to see that horrible, disgusting video before I believe these claims! Show me-I mean us the video!"

[–] zigmus64@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I mean… they can’t possibly miss the joke, can they? It fucking racks my brain, the density of these fuckwits sometimes. The whole reason this is still a thing is because they’re saying shit like, ‘If you accuse some of X, you’d better have proof.’

[–] Moobythegoldensock@lemm.ee 69 points 3 months ago (6 children)

Hey guys, it’s time to mature up and admit that Vance probably did not have sex with a couch.

He made love to it. Also, the couch was totally asking for it.

[–] Jimmyeatsausage@lemmy.world 27 points 3 months ago (1 children)

You know the couch was into it... When the couch doesn't want it, nature has ways of just shutting all that down.

[–] Moobythegoldensock@lemm.ee 22 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

I heard the couch was dressed like a total loveseat, and wasn’t even wearing a cover.

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[–] schnurrito@discuss.tchncs.de 67 points 3 months ago (7 children)

You know, until recently I thought that the golden days of Internet activism were over and we were mostly living in times where it was ridiculously easy to get things censored on the Internet.

Then something as stupid as this gets this amount of attention because of Internet users having way too much time and energy to spread it. WTF

[–] androogee@midwest.social 39 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (6 children)
[–] ours@lemmy.world 26 points 3 months ago

Spread it like JD Vance's couch cushions.

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[–] jordanlund@lemmy.world 53 points 3 months ago (3 children)

The AP was correct to pull the article. Nobody can definitively say "J.D. Vance did not have sex with a couch" just that "J.D. Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir, 'Hillbilly Elegy'."

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 25 points 3 months ago (8 children)

We don't even know he didn't write about it. All we can definitively say is that the story about J.D. Vance fucking a couch did not appear in the published edition of Hillbilly Elegy.

Did he fuck a couch? Did he write about fucking a couch? Only Vance can tell us for sure and he's probably too busy fucking a couch.

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[–] frickineh@lemmy.world 47 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Finally, a use case for AI that I can really get behind!

Kidding, please god no one deepfake that weirdo going to town on a totally innocent sofa. Fuckin nightmare fuel.

[–] ThePantser@lemmy.world 21 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Rule 34, it's already a thing.

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[–] formergijoe@lemmy.world 45 points 3 months ago
[–] TechAnon@lemm.ee 38 points 3 months ago

Tell them it's on Hunter's laptop and watch them implode!

[–] ikidd@lemmy.world 35 points 3 months ago (5 children)

We've finally found a job for AI.

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[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 35 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Not to kink shame you, Jesse, but maybe keep what titillates you to yourself.

Anyway, by now there's bound to be porn with a Vance lookalike fucking a couch, so you'll get what you need for the most part.

[–] Dramaking37@lemmy.world 20 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Did Jesse Walters have a fetish where he watches people fuck couches? I'm just asking questions here.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 19 points 3 months ago (3 children)

He never said he didn't have a fetish where he watches people fuck couches. Many people are saying he has a fetish where he watches people fuck couches.

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[–] Etterra@lemmy.world 31 points 3 months ago (1 children)

That sure is a weird-ass thing to ask for.

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[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world 28 points 3 months ago (3 children)

What is it with conservative hosts demanding porn?

First there was Rush Limbaugh pretending not to know what birth control is and now this.

Probably plenty of other examples in the meantime, but that's the especially heinous one that immediately came to mind.

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 18 points 3 months ago

They want to see the couch's outfit for themselves, of course. Perhaps it was asking for it.

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[–] ChihuahuaOfDoom@lemmy.world 27 points 3 months ago

For research guys, it's for research.

[–] sarcasticsunrise@lemmy.world 26 points 3 months ago (2 children)

No wonder JD wants to make porn illegal. I'm almost with him if it means me not getting Rickrolled with a gif of him fucking a loveseat

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[–] collapse_already@lemmy.ml 25 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it? Bonus points if he refers to the couch as Flipper while borking it.

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[–] drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Would it help if I filmed myself fucking a couch and put a deep fake over it?

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[–] Coach@lemmy.world 22 points 3 months ago

Purely for "research," right Fox?

[–] VantaBrandon@lemmy.world 21 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Well if politics doesn't work out for JD there is always OnlyFans

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[–] Xtallll@lemmy.blahaj.zone 20 points 3 months ago

JD Vance puts the "C" in LGBTQIA2SC.

[–] OldWoodFrame@lemm.ee 19 points 3 months ago (4 children)

Stark difference in the immediate memes that came out about Harris vs Vance. Coconut tree is quirky, couch is weird.

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[–] GreatAlbatross@feddit.uk 18 points 3 months ago

It's nice when the refuing-bullshit boot is on the other foot.

[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 17 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Hi!👋 me again, don’t forget to:

Print photos of different couches or dolphins and mail them to any or all of these locations:

https://www.vance.senate.gov/office-locations/

Don’t forget to add little love notes. e.g., “Thinking of you 💋”

And, remember kids, drink your Ovaltine!

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[–] itsgroundhogdayagain@lemmy.ml 17 points 3 months ago

"JD Vance's couch tape" to the tune of "Hunter Biden's laptop"

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