As the title say, 5 months ago i broke up with my girlfriend, who was also one of my best friends for like 12 years. I know, very cliché. It was my first serious relationship, and the strong bond we had also before made it extremely difficult to detach from one other (for me at least). We knew each other since we were kids and apart from some periods where we wouldnt hang out often we always kept in touch, after all we went in the same high school. After Covid we started developing our friendship and our bond until finally after 2 years of a strange relationship on the edge of the border of friendship and something more, we finally started dating. It was the happiest period of my life. It was incredible, i could feel that we really loved each other on a very deep, almost visceral (don’t know if its the correct word but i intend it in a good way) level because of our previous friendship that evolved in a relation. Even though we lived in 2 different city for university, the bond would grow stronger and the time were we wouldnt see each other would wrench my stomach from how much i misser her. And her too, she told me multiple times how she felt phisically the pain of missing me. I made the mistake of assuming it couldn’t end, cause of all the years of friendship before and also cause we had some contrasts but we always managed to talk out of it, and i got the feeling that we would pass every obstacle. Of course, i was wrong or i wouldnt be writing this essay. Febraury she left me. To cut it short, she loved me no more. I asked if it was something i had done, she said no, even if i could think of some occasion were i was an idiot. She also said things that hurt me, she said she felt she couldnt always count on me as she did for her previous boyfriend. I was left in shock. I thought i always did everything i could, also she brought up an incident where we didnt understand each other about a phone call she asked me to do late at night. I didnt get she was asking because she had to get home on foot and she wanted to have someone on the phone. I said maybe another time cause i was out with friends and i genuinly thought it was a pleasure call, just to chat. When we met some time later i explained and all was good but she brought up again in a long discussion we had a month before breaking up. I was very sad cause i tought i had explained the misunderstanding. Anyways she left me in the only way i feel like im impotent in changing her idea. What could i do if she doesnt love me anymore? Love comes and goes and i have to accept. Still, after five months i feel im worsening. Having mentioned shes a good friend, shes in my group of friends, so she of course was invited for some parties and for graduations. Ive seen her threen times. I cant watch her in the eyes. Whener i get a glance at her body i freeze and stare in the emptiness. I get silent, im visibly disturbed. I just cant make my mind on the fact she isnt on my side anymore. That she isnt there to love no more. I know its egoistic and dont get me wrong i wish all the best for her. I wish she find somebody and lives the happiest life she can. But i cant go like this no more. The more i see her the more i understand im not getting better, in fact the exact opposite. I think its due to the fact im not letting go the idea she could change her mind, come back to me, love me again, realising she had made a mistake. I dont dare to think any other scenario. I just cant. I think i want to talk to her, but what do i say? It doesnt make sense. I dont have anything to say. She hasnt anything to say probably. I see her smiling and laughing i just cant accept in my head she has erased me like that. She went on, im here stuck on memories and feelings. I dont dare to think i will have anyone anymore. Im sure im not doing things right. Im holding on something i shouldnt, but im scared to just accept the fact its over. Now, i doubt everyone will ever read all of this. Also cause i started as question and finished telling my story, but i needed to vent. Im not talking to much about this with my friends cause i dont want to bother them too much. Dont want to be pedantic. I feel very chilidsh, im almost 23 and i cant live through a break up. I like to think of myself like a bit mature, but god feelings are hard to deal with. Anyways if anyone has tips, ill gladly take some. The ones i got for now are: you just have to accept and let time heal. And i think its solid, maybe the best. But its not working so im open. Wish everybody a good day and thank you for reading, sorry if bad english. Correct many mistaked sorry for the one guy who read it filler with errors. PS: i uninstalled instagram to avoid seeing her photos and stories. Thought it was better this way.
Man the difference between 23 and 33 and giving a shit is crazy.
I had my heart broken badly when I was 23 and honestly, it fucked up a good bit of my 20s. Even some of my 30s.
My advice first will be therapy. Breakups hurt losing friends hurts. Your gonna feel the pain of the collapse of the ability to dream about your shared future a lot. You need to start dreaming about a new different future.
This next piece of advice might sound impossible, but you need to go no contact with her for a good 6 months while you process this. That muscle in your brain trained to daydream about your future is gonna be a bitch, and hanging out and acting like friends is gonna make that take forever. Go no contact. You can be friends again later, but not now.
You got this.
+1.
No contact 100% will help a lot. It sucks but it’s not the end of the world.
Thank you for your advice and your kindness :) i would love to go to therapy, but sadly all the money i make with work goes toward future rent for university and expenses. Whenever ill have some money be assured that therapy is the first thing i will spend it on haha. About your second point i think you’re right, away from the eyes away from the heart (dont know if its used in english). As i said i unistalled instagram and the fact that she lives away helped about the no contact. The spare occasions, as i said three if i remember correctly, where i saw her were for graduation parties of good friends i had to attend, so i had to swallow the pill. On august she’s gonna go abroad for a year with the uni so i guess that will help haha. Thank you again for taking time to read and respond, have a good day :)
You’ve had some good advice on here I think, so I’ll not add much other than to say I’m really sorry you’re hurting, and I hope some time and distance away from her (not in a hostile way, just for your own wellbeing) helps you feel better.
Also, the therapy thing - when possible, yeah, talking shit out can really help. If money is an issue, there may still be some free local group counselling sessions you can find. I’ve done that, and I found that in addition to expressing my feeling, the process of listening to and comforting others actually made me feel better too.
away from the eyes away from the heart (dont know if its used in english)
Re that phrase, in English a common way of expressing much the same idea would be “Out of sight, out of mind”
Good luck dude, it gets easier [hug] 👍
Thank you for the support and the advices, people were very kind and helpful :) i’ll make sure to search for somebody to listen to my long-ass venting lol Wish you a good day and reciprocate the hug :)
No worries - take it easy mate 👍
- Being vulnerable, but not oversharing / overbearing, will actually provide an opportunity to deepen your friendships. They will appreciate knowing what you’re feeling and folks respond better to vulnerability than you expect.
- The right time to reconnect with an ex is when you are better and over them. If you still feel incomplete without her, then it’s the wrong time. Cliché but true: you must love yourself before you can be loved.
- Therapy could really help you work through these feelings. If you cannot afford therapy, look for support groups in your area. Just hearing other people going through similar situations can help.
- Build up non-romantic relationships while you are still so raw. A.k.a. hang out with your friends, open up and ask for their support, and be there for them. If you try to find romance while you’re not over your ex, you’ll make mistakes and maybe open old wounds, compare your new partners in unfair ways to your old ones, and just generally have a bad time.
I wish you luck. A breakup is never easy and it sounds like she means the world to you. It’ll never be right, but it will be okay.
Thank you, i hope i will eventually get to a point were i can reconnect with her, but now it’s not time yet, as you said. She would be happy to listen to me and very sympathetic. Really wish i could afford therapy rn haha. I’m lucky to have friends who are happy to listen to me and try to help each in their own way. And as for romance ill make sure to stay away from it for a good bit lol. Thank you very much again fir your support and kind words, wish you a good day :)
My first advice: don’t write endless walls of text, if you want people to actually read it.
You didn’t mention how long you were together. General rule of thumb, it takes just as long for the feelings in a relationship to fade as it takes for them to grow.
Also, generally speaking, if the breakup is sudden, unammicable, or leaving you confused, that’s probably a sign that there was poor communication in the relationship. Relationships are built on communication, not feelings. This is a good time to evaluate how you can be a better communicator. Do not blame or wallow in the shortcomings of your ex, this will just stunt your growth as a person, and perpetuate how you are currently feeling.
My advice, focus on you and your future. 23 is incredibly young. What you are going through and feeling is extremely common. You have lots of time to meet new people, but focus on yourself first.
We were together for two years, if you’re right i can expect some fun months to come haha. Jokes aside, i think you are right for there were some problema in communications, from both sides but in all homesty i cant say i wasnt expecting the breakup. I smelled it from at least a month before. Im not the type to blame others, im rather more likely to blame me and overthink my mistakes. Thank you for your advice, as i said in another comment i’m trying to focus on university at the moment and my future in general. I just have to accept the fact that there will be someone else, one day ore another. Thanks again, wish you a good day :)
As long as you were true to yourself and didn’t pretend to be someone else, you did nothing wrong. All you can ever do is be honest with the people you love. It’s up to them to decide if they want to be with you (the same way you get to decide if you want to be with them). It sounds like you tried and she just didn’t want to be with you. I don’t mean that in a cruel way. It’s just how things sometimes go.
Sometimes people grow apart. Time will heal, yes but for now, you’re grieving. You lost a friend. It will take time to let that go and for you to move on.
Frankly, it sounds like she meant more to you than you did to her. That’s her loss. Stand tall, be proud of yourself that you could give yourself to someone, and that you were honest and open. Go and do that again and again until you find someone that is honest enough with themselves to be as vulnerable with you as you are them.
Don’t t think of this as a failure or defeat. Think of it as part of a process. Turn the page and start a new chapter.
Thank you for your advice. I always tried to be as trasparent as i could and i think im ok with myself and how i behaved (mostly). You are right, sometimes things just happen and people just move away from one another. But one thing im scared of is losing her also as a friend. I sincerely hope i can grow out of this whole situation and come back to a friendship. I know it will be almost impossibile to get back the same exact relationship we had before all the dating, but i hope we can at least get back to being just normal friends. It would suck if we were to lose each other forever. But yeah, i guess i just have to find the courage to finally turn the page, insted of hoping we could rewind. Thank you again for your words, have a nice day :)
Is your enter key broken?
Use a line break. Holy shit.
Sounds like you’re going through a lot.
First off,what other have told you is the best basic advice. There’s nothing you can do and you have to assume she won’t change her mind. You also said you are 23 and you feel like you are being childish. That’s absolutely not true, if someone broke up at 30 or 40 or 50 or whatever with a long time friend it would be just as rough. This situation is hard, and there’s no learning unfortunately and no preparation, it just sucks.
And that is what I would say as well: it’s fucked up. It sucks. It’s fine to feel betrayed and sad and angry and lonely. It’s very fair to feel that way, because you lost something important. It’s ok to not feel ok and it’s normal to be so moved by something so hard.
Maybe there’s something to say for changing your routine a bit. Finding other friends circles that she is not involved in, trying new hobbies and everything. That way you have something new to think about and other people to talk to - this might help with her being around parties every now and again.
Also make sure you take care of yourself, start building up a new routine.
It could be beneficial to talk to her when your feelings towards her are not as strong anymore, but it will always be awkward and there’s nothing to expect from it. It will just be a conversation and who knows where it goes.
These are all steps that can help you move on, but of course there is no handbook for breakups so this could look very different for everyone.
Although I haven’t been in your situation it sounds really rough and I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sure you’ll find someone else who loves you and will stick around.
Thank you very much :) im trying to focus on university cause i feel i neglected it too much and maybe it will help to keep me busy. I’ll also work all summer so i also hope that will help keeping my mind away. You’re right, now its not time yet to confront her. I feel like i would be overrun by feelings, i have to cool it down. Thanks for the kind words, i wish you a good a day :)
You too, it sounds like you got this on your own already even if it’s difficult, but if you need to talk you can hit me up anytime:)
<3 thank you :)
