Ask Lemmy

As a father, love your child, accept your child, and above all listen to your child.

This thread already has so much great advice that it made me a bit teary eyed reading it. I don’t know if I can contribute much but I’ll try.

• 90% of parenting is just showing up. Your physical, mental, and emotional presents will mean far more to them than anything else. That’s what will make them feel valued and loved.
• Fuck gender norms. Regardless of if your child wants to learn to sew, fix engines, or both, embrace it, encourage them, and be there with them every step of the way.
• They don’t really have any perspective on things so small things to you are huge things to them. Don’t just dismiss their feelings.
• like everyone else said, listen to them. Like really listen every time.
• Don’t over think it. If you’re asking these questions, your head and heart are already in the right place. Trust yourself.

My dad never spent time with me because we didn't share hobbies, I tried desperately as a kid to get into what he liked, but he never tried to get into what I liked. My mom knew the names of the kids on Barney, what snacks cheered me up, or what friends I had in school, my dad also lived in the house.

As adults we've found common ground in politics and TV, and we have a relationship now, but we'd have a much better relationship if he'd tried to hang out with me back then.

So I guess my advice is just hang out with her, whatever form that takes. Time is so important.

Listen. Listen and make sure they know you hear them. Actively engage in thier interests. Be honest. Just don't bullshit them. Daughters know. Mine are 27 and 11 and those are my biggest missteps along the way.

Oh, also be wrong. Be wrong and accountable. And learn.

So much nice advice here. I'm turning 30 this month and my dad and I continue to be very close. Top things I'm grateful for about my dad:

My dad is always lifting me up, but he did not and does not give me empty praise. He to this day gives me compliments about specific things he notices, which is amazing for my self esteem. Some examples: While I was cleaning the other day and kind of barking directions : "I love it when you get in the zone like this. It's like you can accomplish anything" or "that's something I have always been in awe of about you; you somehow know when people are down and figure out a way to lift them up. You're very intuitive about it." Or during a long day of hard work, " you're like a machine! You're incredible. Do you need anything?" Complimenting every little thing will just make her not trust your compliments. Being specific and accurate in your praise will help her feel truly good about herself and also strengthen your bond.

Idk what it's like if it's a step daughter and not a bio daughter but my dad would take me out. We never called it daddy daughter dates or anything (ew) but he would take me to dinner and a movie, or buy me flowers, or stop for coffee or ice cream at local shops. If we had to go somewhere for work or to pick up something for a home project he'd just stop at a bookstore and say this place looks cool, want to procrastinate a little in here with me? I know he loves to spend real time with me and he's always opening me up to new places/hobbies

MOST IMPORTANTLY: my dad adores and dotes on my mom. There is nothing he won't do for her. He will help her with the same problem a hundred times. He will make her coffee just the way she likes it every morning. He spoils her, he relies on her, he treats her like he is lucky to be around her, and that helps me to know exactly how I should be treated. I don't allow anyone to mistreat me, not partners, not coworkers, not friends or in-laws. I know what a healthy relationship looks like, and I know what a partnership of respect and love looks like. My parents argue in front of me, sure, but I never ever doubt how much they love each other.

My dad told me to eat salads and lose weight when I was a little kid. I will never forget. Please don't shame her, weight and appearances are so touchy but criticizing every bite I ate only fucked me up. I was chubby, I still consider myself the same proportional level of chubby as when I was a kid. I have yoyo dieted my whole life and when I see him I still just push food around my plate.

The one great thing I remember about my childhood was driving long distances the two of us. He would often need to drive a few hours out of town to pick stuff up for work, and I would sit in the passengers seat with one of those huge map books and I would navigate us there. It was a ton of fun just doing mini road trips once or twice a month.

I also went to conventions related to his profession, the topic was boring but conventions of any type inevitably have loads of candy dishes. Just doing things together the two of us felt special.

Did his share of the housework. My dad didn't know how to cook well, but you bet your butt he did laundry, vacuumed, dusted, washed dishes, whatever was needed around the house he did it. And he did cook at least once a week, although it was always stuff like grilled cheese or pancakes.

Growing up in a household where both parents put in equal effort at home really set up the expectation for me that this is how relationships work.

My dad was also very loving and openly affectionate to us all. He would give us hugs, tell us he loved us and how proud of us he is, even to the point of tearing up sometimes. I love that about him and see it as an admirable quality in men.

Girls learn what to expect from men based on what they see their fathers do. Be kind, gentle, and respect your daughter and that's the kind of men she'll surround herself with.

My dad is arguably not the best dad in many ways, but he taught me a solid work ethic, and most importantly, called 911 when I was attacked by my husband. The best thing a dad can do is teach his daughter how she should be treated by men.

I don't have much positive examples, but I suppose we can learn from mistakes. Alright, here goes ...

• You just created a new human. This human to a certain degree takes precedence now. Plan accordingly, don't move every 2 years, give her a chance to grow with her environment. (I can explain this is detail if needed.)
• If your kids cries, it's probably not because it's an evil manipulator. It does not need to be told to be tough.
• If your kid consistently gets sick when she has to go to school, don't just send her anyway, check if there's a reason.
• Be curious! When she says or does something you don't understand, ask. Be open about the answer and don't judge what you hear.
• Be on her side. If you're taking a different position, explain the why and how.
• Clean up together, involve her, be a part of it! Show her that men have a part to play in household stuff, teach her that it can be fun to live in a tidy, clean, beautiful space.
• Your child is not part of fights with your wife. If you want to go to Hawaii and your wife wants Canada, your kid will not be the one to decide.
• Don't make jokes about or be ironic with a kid. A 14 year old is still a kid, a 16yo is still a kid. Kids are very vulnerable and you're teaching them, that they can't trust you with stuff. Particularly when it comes to love/gender/sex/periods, just don't act like it's funny.
• Do not comment body shape, not hers, not others, not in general. You have a type? Good for you, but that isn't for your daughter to know or consider. If you like petite dark haired women but your daughter is tall and blonde, she will understand this as her not being pretty enough. No matter how pretty she is or if your wife is just as tall and blonde. Sentences like "All xy-women eventually turn into square shape, it's just how that demographic works" are shitty without you telling this to your kid.
• She likes a boy band? Great, you can drive her to the gig and pick her up later!
• She reads teenager magazines because she's a teenager, maybe you want to hear her opinion on this stuff. She certainly doesn't need any condescending attitude though.
• Maybe sometimes children need to be humbled, but many times life will do that on its own. Consider your own vulnerabilities, before putting them in their place. What they said may sound arrogant, but still be true for their situation.
• Whatever she wants to do or create: Be supportive! She does not need to be a child genius and you don't need to tell her, that she's not Picasso.
• "There will only be boys there, are you sure that's what you want to do?" is not in your vocabulary.
• When she picks a study subject, maybe don't point out that this may be too hard for her. Help her prepare instead!

You can do this! My list is very long, but ultimately simple: If you lean into your own vulnerabilities and share this with her, a lot of these things will happen on their own. Be open and curious. You can't teach her everything, she'll have to fall on her face by herself. Be there to pick her up afterwards and just keep that up.

I apologize but this will be kind of dark. As a father I know you are going to be desperate to protect her, but don’t wax poetic about dealing violence to anyone who would do her wrong. For example, don’t talk about beating her current boyfriend/girlfriend if they cross her. Girls are going to have shitty relationships because that’s a part of growing up. Don’t make her think talking to you about them is the nuclear option when she’s still trying to figure out what is acceptable and her boundaries. If she thinks you’ll go beat the shit out of any one who looks at her funny, she might not come to you with her problems until she is willing to accept her dad going to prison for a long time. Everyone is right about listening to her, but make sure she that she knows that you can be trusted. Listen, accept her decisions, work with her, and not to fly off of the handle. Best of luck new father, since you’re asking the right questions I think you are going to be fine.

Don't be afriad to involve her in your stuff, even if it's boy stuff. My dad taught me how to fix cars, wilderness survival, how to shoot guns, how to fix stuff, it didn't matter that I was a girl, if I was interested he'd show me. I didn't care that this was boy stuff, I just liked that I was helping dad.

With the bonus payoff of me being a rather handy cabable adult too! Although he did his fair share of playing Barbie and tea party as well.

She might not like all of your hobbies (I never liked fishing) but give it a shot! Don't be afraid just bc some stuck up parents would be agast she's learning to change the oil in the car.

Don’t be afraid to be wrong and take accountability for your actions. I personally admired my grandpa for telling me this before his passing, there’s no shame in diligently striving for honor.

Most importantly, fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, you might never see the results of your actions; but you’ll be able to sleep soundly at night.

Hey, I have some simple advice, dad to dad. She’s going to start by copying everything you do, and you need to involve her, and make her feel involved, in those things so she learns them. Especially encourage that in doing the chores together and eating vegetables together.

As she gets older, the temptation to continue to guide her in directions you know will be fierce. But you need to help her explore things you don’t know, and tell her “I don’t know this, but what do you need to learn about it so I can help.”

By asking this question you're already ahead.

Be your genuine self. Share your wisdom. Love your child.

I am a woman whose father was an abusive narcissist, the list of what I needed and didn't get is depressing to say the least. So I'll boil it down to its essence: Be there when needed. Remember she is her own person, not an extension of you. Try to make her life better than your own. Let your love be unconditional. It may not be helpful advice, but it's all I got for ya.

My dad was a wonderful man with a great heart, but I think in this conversation, it's more productive to speak of his downfalls. He died when I was 15, and I was very close to him until then. He was so often smiling, and giving, and generous, and caring to everyone and anyone he met. But one of the most impactful things I remember is that he was severely depressed in the last 5 years of his life. As a child, I didn't know what to do about it. Shit, as an adult, I wouldn't know what to do.

If you feel depression creeping up, for the sake of your daughter - for the sake of your family - get help.

I miss my dad so much, and I hate that the dominating memories I have of him are when he was max depressed, or when he was in a coma.

Stand up to other men when they say or do shitty things. My dad was mostly a pretty good feminist and advocate and I know he believed I could do just about anything I set my mind to, but there were times when family members would say some really crappy things and he just kind of stood by for the sake of keeping the peace. I never shut my mouth in those instances, but it would've meant a lot if my dad had spoken up. I'm not saying it has to be a whole fight or anything, but even saying, "Hey, not cool," helps. It shows that your support isn't just lip service.

Dad was born in the '50s into a family I can only describe as Victorian. Very rigid gender roles, happy and angry the only acceptable male emotions, and all the "fun" stuff that comes along with that kind of upbringing. I'm in my mid-30s now. He worked a job that sent him out of town for weeks or sometimes months at a time, but where he would often have several weeks off at a time as well so he was either never around or home all the time. Mom was a stay at home mom, but that's about the extent of the gender roles enforced while I was growing up.

Dad and I had a fairly close relationship until I got to about 14/15 but I did learn very early that he was not the person to go to for anything emotional. He never knew how to handle emotions and - like many people of his generation - he didn't think about the long-term effects that his offhand comments and teasing might have. As an adult, I understand that it was his way of showing affection but it's taken me a very long time to work through the body issues I picked up because of his (and Mom's) teasing about "the family nose/thighs/shoulders/etc."

We drifted apart when I got to high school. The teenage girl hormones hit really hard. He didn't know what to do with all the feelings I was having so he either ignored them or got angry with me if they inconvenienced him. I never felt like I could talk to either of my parents about what I was going through so I withdrew into myself. Honestly, I was a pretty shitty teenager and my parents were both pretty shitty parents of teenagers (though in my defense my sister was way worse from a much younger age and never really got much better - we still don't get along.) As I got into my twenties and calmed down, Dad continued to treat me like that hyper emotional teenager. I resented that a lot and kept him at arm's length.

Dad's and my relationship is good now but it took a long time to get here. It took me accepting that he is never going to change and meeting him on his level, while asserting my own boundaries. I've spent a lot of time unpacking the hangups and baggage I carried with me into adulthood, which has given me the ability to get past "Dad is an asshole". Dad was raised in an environment with a lot of gendered pressure, came out of it with severe anxiety - which you can see runs in the family if you know what to look for - and his only coping mechanism is control. When he feels out of control, he explodes. However, being a "man of a certain age" (a.k.a. Boomer) there's no way he'll ever develop the emotional intelligence to understand and acknowledge that. He has no incentive to and has never learned the language. I learned that if I want a relationship with him, I have to be willing to work around that so I do the work on myself and focus on what he and I have in common - which is a lot! It's been a slow process, but I've also seen him finally start to acknowledge and respect me as an independent adult over the last few years and that feels pretty good.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, my partner has a fantastic relationship with his 7-year-old daughter (my stepdaughter). He's very emotionally intelligent and self-aware and has no problem talking with his kid about feelings - hers or his own. He also rejects the idea of traditional gender roles and doesn't feel at all weird about playing dress up with her, getting his nails painted, or any of the other "girly" things she likes to do with him. Neither of us had good parental relationships modeled for us growing up (mine were distant and affectionless with each other, his were volatile) so we do our best to show his kid what a loving, respectful adult relationship looks like. I've often thought that I wish my dad had been a parent to me like my partner is to his daughter.

I think the most important thing about any parent-child relationship is that the child feels supported, respected, and confident to come to their parent about how they're feeling. That's going to look different in any relationship, but staying empathetic and not assuming you know better than your kid about what's going on in their mind is always a good place to start. It also helps to be self-aware. Recognize where you might have hangups or emotional baggage and be proactive about addressing it. I have done more self-work in the last two years of being a stepparent than in the previous ten. That's not to say I didn't also do a lot in those ten years, but my partner and I both strongly believe that it's our job as parents to do better than our own parents did, even if our parents had been stellar. But no pressure, right? XD

It's well after midnight and I'm rambling now so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Hope this is okay to respond but as a father to an adult daughter I have thought about this a lot. Our daughter is married, empathetic, and simply a nice person (also a productive member of society) and I think some of that has to do with how I made a concerted effort to make sure my relationship with her mother (my wife) was healthy. I treated my wife how I wanted my daughter to be treated, with respect, dignity, love, kindness, humor. All of those ways we want to be treated ourselves.

It wasn't all roses though for sure. Sometimes it was hard and we fought like normal couples do and all that but we worked to get on the other side of those times. I made (wife did too) an effort to not carry contempt toward one another for too long. Limit the smart ass comments. No name calling ever. Try not to let contempt be in the tone of our voicees when we were fighting. We had or developed over time some ground rules for our marriage that engendered respect even when we were pissed or hurt and stuff. I think ensuring our kids saw that people can be humble, admit wrong, apologize, and then move on trying to be better sinks in.

It seems perhaps corny and maybe weird but I stuck with it and she grew up to be a great person. Sure she's got her flaws and her challenges but she is a really good person at heart, and has a great relationship with her husband and with us. She's tender toward animals and and toward genuine people and, maybe most importantly, she doesn't play the victim. It's neat to see. I like to think some of that is because I worked hard to be a good father figure. But I the eve of mother's day in the US it's also important to admit that her mom played a critical role as well.

So congrats on being a father. Yes, it is a weird and magical bond between my daughter and I. I think what she was looking for in her committed relationships was rooted in how her mom and I communicated and how she witnessed our relationship as she grew up.

Ignore the vagina, treat that kid like the tiny human they are. Do the same things you would do if they had a penis, the world is sexist enough. And I'll add a quote from the best of the Stars :

And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.

Don't drown their perspective out because you want to convince them of yours.

My perspective is slightly different since I'm a trans woman (have been for 10yr), but I was also raised by just my dad.

The main things I learned from him that have actually been useful are things like how to use a variety of tools and do basic handyman type jobs around my living space. I learned a lot of hard skills from him, but not so much soft skills. I can comfortably fix a toilet, patch a wall, or mount a TV. I also picked up the basics of firearms and engines from him, though I haven't had to use that knowledge yet. The things that have been useful that I had to learn on my own were how to cook, how to sew, and how to clean.

I wish he had let me explore my emotions a bit more. I learned to repress my feelings and now struggle with that a bit in adulthood.

The best advice I can give is to be open and give her space to talk about what's troubling her. Be an active listener, and don't shrug her off when she's sad or angry. Encourage her to learn hard skills that may be useful in the future, but also don't be hesitant to learn soft skills alongside her. Let her practice styling your hair or painting your nails if she wants to. Gender norms are outdated anyways. More than anything, love, respect, and trust her.

I had an excellent father. He wasn't perfect, but his imperfections and occasional impatience made him more human and relatable. Don't pretend to be perfect - let her know that everyone makes mistakes not just by saying it, but by showing them yours. Our world has become better for women to live in, but there still is a silent pressure on women to be flawless. Physically, emotionally, academically, professionally - we are not supposed to show weakness if we are to be taken seriously. Show her it's ok to be imperfect, this will be even more meaningful coming from a male role model.

And I'll echo what others have said - listen to her. Even if it's stupid ramblings about her favorite band or what a classmate did or any number of things you really do not care about. When she feels heard on the little things she will know she has a voice in the big things.

Lastly, be honest with her about the world not being fair. This was something my dad maybe could have done better. I was supported and told I can do anything a man can do, but I wish I would have known a little sooner what societal obstacles I was actually going to face. You don't have to make it sound ok or even acceptable, but all girls should know what they're up against so they can be prepared to face it head on.

I’m sorry I can’t contribute much, but as a fairly recent father to an amazing 3yo daughter, I’ll be following along!

One of the skills my dad taught me that I've been the most grateful for over the years that is generally considered a "male "skill is to take things apart and use tools to fix them. My dad has two daughters, so he showed us how to do the stuff he loved. Power tools, electrical work, not being afraid to take out the screw and see how it works and if you can fix it. Not as many things are simply mechanical as they were in the 90's, but it taught me to be curious and unafraid of exploration and capable in a way that continually surprises the people around me.

You'll be the template for "man" so you need to be the man you want your daughter to have in her life. Important things like handling strong emotions, never overpowering her with your strength, and that kind of thing.

I was closer to my dad than my mom. I think probably because he just seemed to accept and appreciate who I was when I was little. He would take me out for spicy food because he said without that I got irritable; called me a wee anarchist. When I was a teen he'd shave my head for me when I wanted a mohawk. Both my parents were teachers and so both were around and both cooked, etc. He died when I was 16, but I wouldn't trade that for someone else who lasted longer. I wasn't as close to my mom, we were just very different sorts of people.

I'm not sure it's something you can force, the baby when she grows will likely be more like either you or her mother - if she is closer to her mom, being a good partner is the most important, and being there for if she needs to talk. Based on my individual experience I'd say buy her books and take her to eat at restaurants, lol, but all kids are different so I think the point is more to know her, so that you can do the things together that help her feel more confident being herself.

Oh - I just realized I also may have advice as a mom of daughters, since I married after having them, a man who was a single dad to his kids before and I see what he does for the girls, though I'm not sure they see it yet. They do see he would do about anything for me and they like that. He will always come pick them up in the car from wherever they are, goes to the school stuff and when the older ones were in college went with me to pick them up, drop them off, etc. Do not badmouth her dad, my husband actually pointed out to ME I was grumbling about their dad in front of them and he was right, don't do that. Just be yourself, love her mom, you will grow to love the kid too.

From a woman who's father failed in many ways: Be present, be willing to listen, and actually give a damn. My father wasn't any of those things when I was growing up, he just sorta came and went as he pleased and if he cared, he sure didn't show it. I went NC with him from my teens until my 30s, and we now have a semi-decent relationship, but man, I will be forever jealous of those "Daddy's girl" women who adore and admire their fathers and their fathers love them so much everyone can tell.

Everyone says 'listen' but I would suggest one way to act on that advice. This is more of a general parenting advice for small kids (or all kids?).

Let them choose what to do. If their interested in soccer, give that a try. If they want to learn about ants, let them observe, guide them through the thoughts.

Play is dictated by their interests, not your expectations or dreams. This way there is much less struggle, save for the times you really need, and learning and play get tied together.

For me, it means a lot when my dad can apologise and take accountability for his mistakes. Sometimes he can be very quick to judge, which can feel diminishing, but whenever he comes around and recognises his behaviour it always feels better. It shows me he’s had time to think and reflect on his own personality.

I guess it’s obvious that spending time and sharing hobbies is important. For example, my dad and I recently went to the cinema together to watch the new Planet of the Apes movie. We frequently send songs or posts of animals to each other. Small things like that are fun. It don’t need to be a full-on planned father/daughter day.

People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.

Just try to build a good relationship to her, and all will be good.

speak from the heart and not the head

This is probaly a very good start.

To live a good life as an adult?

This isn't exactly needed for a good relationship.

Do it anyway :) because children usually don't do what parents say, but what they see parents doing.

What everyone else has said but - apologize when you’re wrong. Tell your children that you were wrong, why you acted or said what you did, and how you will try to do better next time. Set the example that everyone is wrong, that it’s more important to make it right than be perfect

Actually being there and staying involved is important. My biodad was a complete POS until last year. My mom was essentially a single mother my whole life because my biodad was never around. He was a really good father for the first two years of my life, then he just kinda stopped giving a shit. I recommend that you don't do that. He used to manipulate tf out of me emotionally and would make so many false promises. His mental health was fucked and he was an alcoholic for a long time.

I cut ties entirely with him and a few years after that, he reached out to my mom to see if we could talk. He had finally gotten his shit together. He's on his meds and doesn't drink like he used to. I don't see the man as a father, however. I see him as a friend. We text almost daily, but he knows that I don't consider him a father-figure and acknowledges it and all of his wrongdoings. He was only 21 years too late, but that's better than never.

He is part of the reason I have a very hard time trusting people. He had let me down countless times in my life and each time just broke me. I just couldn't not get my hopes up at his false promises. He was so good at sounding genuine. Now that he's sober and on his meds, I've learned that his truly genuine tone and words are far different than the ones he used when he was still a drunk.

Anyway, I highly recommend you don't do any of the shit my biodad did. Being hella bitter about your relationship with your father sucks.