There’s this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you’re a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it’s not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the “if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice” is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.

First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let’s get that out of the way. This isn’t a foot in the door for “trans this really isn’t that” narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.

And yes, there’s plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don’t think it’s racist if a woman says she doesn’t want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn’t more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don’t want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.

Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn’t. That’s not fair to you and you’re denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They’re going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: “If you loved me for real this wouldn’t bother you”… that’s not going to convince anyone. They’re either going to leave, or they’ll resent you forever. That’s just how it is. You can be mad at that but that’s about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There’s just no way to win once you’ve gone down that road.

“I want a CIS mate” is not the same as “trans women are not women” - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn’t be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.

The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people’s right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it’s not going to end well for you. All you’re going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don’t want to. And that’s not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don’t imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.

  • CarniMoss@lemmings.world
    2414·
    10 months ago

    I don’t trust the way this question is framed. Yes people have preferences but why do you have to ask other people how to talk to someone like a human being? We are human. You can just have a conversation with us.

    I’ve had girls attracted to me even when knowing my trans status which other people started screaming about saying I must be a girl (I even have facial hair). So the idea that cis hets can’t EVER be attracted to us is a lie.

    Basically I don’t trust anyone else’s opinion on this. We are people. This is not Build-A-Date. Learn to communicate like an adult. Not every trans person has the same set of equipment.

    • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
      71·
      10 months ago

      I think what they idea is- and I’m not saying I agree because I’m frankly undecided on this- even if you’re attracted to someone, that doesn’t mean you want a sexual relationship with them and since dating often leads to a sexual relationship, basic details where sex may be involved should be made clear up front on a dating site.

      Again, I’m not saying I agree here. You could easily argue that it’s up to the couple to work that out before they get intimate.

      • CarniMoss@lemmings.world
        220·
        10 months ago

        You realize there are plenty of cis people that have fulfilling sexual relationships with trans people right? You realize that not every trans person fucks the same right? You realize we’re as diverse as everyone else right?

        Even if a cis person matches your criteria for a partner, they may not want a sexual relationship with you because you don’t fit their criteria. Does that mean you tricked them and wasted their time by getting to know them like a normal person? Or would people only say that about trans people? 🤔

    • Sethayy@sh.itjust.works
      62·
      10 months ago

      Exactly and like if youre judging people just on their trans-status isnt a very human design, we get horny at random shit all the time so just do/fuck what makes you happy

      (and like why should it be the issue of the trans person to bear the label, not the person who actually cares about it)