Ask Lemmy

a doma enabled deportation of my life partner 12 years ago.

it was a life altering event that turned me from a liberal into a leftist.

Oh boy. Just one?

I guess I'd go with "signing up to a random online forum back in 2012".

I was a very shy and introverted kid back then, without friends or social life to speak of. I would spend all my time playing videogames and reading books.

That online forum gave me a chance to speak to other people while staying "safe" in my shell. Without realising it, I slowly gained confidence and social skills that helped me make friends both online and irl, some of whom I still speak with to to this day. Thanks to one of the people I knew on that forum, I now have a job that I like.

I wouldn't recommend online forums nowadays to fight depression/lack of social skills, as the internet has become a cesspool. Online chats are breeding grounds for political extremists. But in my case it definitely helped.

A close second would be having a girl in college confessing to me. I had never really thought about my sexuality back then: it just wasn't on my mind, like, ever (which should've been a red flag, but whatever). She was really nice and wasn't pushy at all, but I knew that I couldn't leave her hanging forever, and I had to give her an honest answer in a relatively short time.

Well, long story short, I realized I wasn't straight. At first I thought I was bi, then gay, but a few years later I understood that I am ace (again, should've been obvious by the fact that I literally never thought about sex for the entirety of my teenage years, but I'm dumb).

But seriously, there are so many important moments in one's life, it's difficult to choose only one or two. Watching nature documentaries with my brother as a kid turned me into a huge animal lover, to the point that I'm literally unable to kill a fly because it makes me sick. Thanks bro, those are some of my most treasured memories!

kicking heroin

Start of the war between Russia and Ukraine.

Now I have to worry every day that people I know (who have not managed to escape Ukraine) will either get killed by a Russian rocket or will get kidnapped from the streets by Ukrainian "recruitment officers".

My last (and final) relationship.

I was deeply in love, but the other person broke up with me for valid reasons, and then pretended to take me back so they could mentally fuck with me, and it worked.

I'm now a depressive and a semi-hermit. Luckily for me I always liked being alone, or I'd be miserable, but the experience completely changed my personality and I don't get close to people anymore.

Birth of my first child. It wasn't just life-changing because "now I'm a father" and such but he had heart disease and the first few months were really rough. It doubly reinforced that my time of being a big kid is over and I have to be an actual adult because lives can easily be ruined or lost by passing the buck and letting other people make my decisions for me.

Having kids.

My parents' divorce. I was 20 when it started, but still living at home. I was dragged through the middle of the very messy and drawn-out divorce proceedings, and unfortunately, my dad did not survive to hear the final judgement. The silver lining I guess was these two events gave me a solid kick in the pants to start acting like an adult. I went to counseling, then college, then an actual professional career.

While I am now in the best position in my life that I've ever been in, the catalyst to me getting here was terrible. 0/10, would strongly advise alternate means.

Cancer. The trauma and pain I went through changed me and how I see the world. For a long time afterwards, I was stuck in a deep depression. I've been working through it all, but I feel like I lost 6 years of my life.

I realize now how fleeting our lives are and stopped thinking about things I wanted to do or pursue, and started executing on them. I got back into longboarding, learned 3D printing, metal working, etc. This life is all we get and nothing is guaranteed. I don't want to be on my deathbed again thinking about all the things I wish I did.

I was 8 years old when my uncle raped me. Forced me to sit down, told me not to tell anyone, because they wouldn't believe me, and why would I want to put the family through that? He is my fathers identical twin, he said I would ruin my fathers relationship with him if I said anything.

I believed him. Didn't think anyone would believe me, and I didn't want to tattle, so I decided the best way to do it would be to act as sad as I felt, wait for my parents or teachers to ask what was wrong, and then I would tell.

I acted out for weeks, nobody noticed, nobody asked.

So, I decided that maybe they already knew, maybe they already beat him up, maybe I should just forget it ever happened and move on, try to enjoy my childhood. I forgot. I told myself to, remember telling myself to, even.

Decades later, $200k in student loan debt, struggling with addiction, suicidal thoughts, very uncomfortable and obtrusive sexual thoughts, I almost killed myself so. many. times.

Now I'm sober, in therapy, good job, stable-ish home environment living by myself, the memory came back.

Decided that I would confront him, decided that I would tell my parents first to get their support. They didn't believe me. I drove across the country seeking to confront the bastard in person, my parents got wind of it and warned him to stay away, protecting him.

It's been too long to seek actual charges in a criminal court, I was in the bottom of a bottle for almost a decade after the nightmares started.

There's no hope for closure. No hope for an apology, an admittance, compensation, nothing. I get nothing. He ruined my life, and I get nothing.

I wake up thinking about killing myself most days.

The last time a question like this was asked, I said it was when I enlisted in the US Army on Sept 5th, 2001 instead of Sept 12th, 2001. But in reality I probably would've enlisted either way (I was drinking the kool-aid back then) and when I enlisted it was on something called the Delayed Entry Program; I still had to finish my senior year of high school and didn't leave for Basic Training until June 2002.

The actual life-changing moment that came out of that was taking advantage of the Hometown Recruiting Assistance Program right after I completed AIT. It's essentially a 2 week temporary duty to go back home wearing your fancy new uniform to convince all your old high school buddies to sign up and be cool like you. I took it, did a couple recruitment events, signed up no one, and just enjoyed some free vacation time. This was March 2003, just a couple days before we invaded Iraq.

When I graduated AIT (your actual job training after basic training) I got orders to report to Ft Hood. Another guy, Watt, got the same orders. We had gone through Basic and AIT together, had the exact same MOS. I took HRAP, he did not. At the time, there were 2 major units on Ft Hood: the 4th Infantry Division and the 1st Cavalry Division. Watt showed up at Ft Hood and was assigned to 4th ID. I showed up a couple weeks later and was told that 4th ID was all filled up, so I went to 1st Cav instead.

4th ID deployed to Iraq in 2003, 1st Cav didn't deploy until 2004. Because units were basically on a "1 year deployed, 1 year back home, 1 year deployed, 1 year back home..." rhythm this meant I ended up getting stop-lossed instead of getting out of the Army in 2006 when my original 4 year enlistment was up. While I was extended, I was selected to receive retraining on newer, modern equipment instead of the old crap designed to fight the Soviets I was originally trained on. This new training, and some contacts I made while on my second deployment, led to me getting a job with a defense contractor doing the exact same thing after I eventually got out. That job was overseas, where I happened to meet my future wife. And even though I'm in a slightly different field of work now, I can still draw a straight line between getting that experience and contacts and how I ended up where I am now.

The alternative, if I hadn't taken 2 weeks vacation in 2003, is that I most likely would have gotten out of the Army as scheduled in 2006 but without any training that was directly applicable to a civilian job and without the networking contacts to land an overseas contractor gig.

Since 2020 i lost track of time

In 2013 I left a very toxic, abusive relationship (physically, emotionally, sexually).

I'm healthy now but its been a long journey to get here. I have definitely changed as have my life. Its a big milestone that I rarely have to think about now as its been so long. But the lingering effects of trauma went on for years before I considered myself "recovered"

My life has a very clear line break from when the Tohoku earthquake happened. Utterly changed the course of my life.

The further that event gets from me, though, the more I imagine becoming disabled will be the bigger one. Four years now.

Covid

Maybe, actually, my first punk rock show at 14. I still had trouble but pretty sure getting into that scene diverted me from severe alienation in school, and having older people as friends cushioned the blow when my dad died. I think without that I wouldn't have lived this long.

But as an adult? Having kids for sure. Because I needed more money, went back to school, got a real job, and because my first pregnancy did so much more to heal my lingering anorexia than anything else - feeling like my body was real, and useful, and beautiful, I dunno how to explain it (and I'm sure this could go in the opposite direction for some) but for me it was quite healing. That set me on a different path and again, without them I probably wouldn't have lived this long.

The last pivot point in my life was my breakup with my ex, that was a fast track to prosperity in a two income household with a guy who loves me for me. I wholeheartedly hope this trajectory holds.

So three inflection points I see.

My friends suicide. His life has shaped my life in many ways. His death even more so. 10 years this month.

Pre mid-summer 2011 and post mid-summer 2011.

This was before and after my 2nd open heart surgery. My parents had to make a quick decision: replace a valve with either a pig or mechanical valve. They chose mechanical valve and now I've been taking blood thinners and doing yearly blood draws for nearly 1 and a half devades. That was a barely more than half my life ago at this point, which is absolutely crazy to think about.

Edit: thought about it for a second while reading my post. Airtle less than half my life ago. Words are confusing.

Open heart surgery. 12/3/2018.

Living in my native country and move out of my native country.

Starting my first proper career in 2008. Or becoming a parent in 2011.

Winner: Moving to Japan and getting out of the US. Both places have their problems, but I'd rather be here.

Runner up: Corona lockdowns caused me to do some thinking and soul-searching, but also finally made remote work somewhat of a thing. This ended up helping me be able to move to the countryside without the home loan companies being too weirded out by it.

Getting sober

Birth. My life was exceedingly different before coming out of the womb, no doubt.

A third of my town burned down when I was 10. Lots of friends moved away because of it

Probably learning audio production and synthesis. Now my misery has an outlet.

Meeting my wife.
Before: Living in a cluttered room in a shared apartment, unemployed, drinking heavily, no purpose or direction in life.
After: Living in a house with big garden, dream job, sober, volunteering in my free time, 2 cats, planning children.

Graduating from university and getting the news of my dad's diagnosis. I'm in the part of the story where everything goes wrong. Just waiting for the part where everything suddenly goes right.

Running away from home at 17. Saved my life

Either meeting my life partner or answering a random LinkedIn message that completely changed my career.

I have kids but that felt like a natural progression that was always on the horizon rather than a groundbreaking event.

Deciding on the school for my master's. Had two choices: the no. 1 school in the US at that time, or an up-and-coming pgogram. The top school would have set me back about 200k in debt, but I was virtually guaranteed a job with a starting salary of 150k+, and a career path to the C-suite. The other school would give me a free ride, but it was anyone's guess where'd I end up. I picked the free ride, and ended with a dead-end job for 40k. That was 20 years ago. Since then, that job gave me the push to leave the US, settle elsewhere, find a wife, start a family, and have an exciting new job with career progression. The choice, when I was deciding, couldn't have been more clearly defined, and for years I kept thinking what if I picked the top school. Not anymore...

Pre brain injury, and post brain Ingush.

But seriously. Wear a crash helmet folks. Saved my life.

Getting an Apprenticeship and starting an IT career probably.

a baby coming out of my ex vagina. why? child support and slave waging up to 14 hrs a day

Getting shot and almost killed in 2008. Struggled with opiate addiction for years after. Am just now 4 years sober from opiates.

Probably the most pivotal one I can think of was my introduction into the industry I work in. Just an 18yr old who needed a job, got invited to check out a small CNC job shop by a family friend. Fell in love with the industry and explosively grew my knowledge and skills. I was at that job less than a year but still in the industry many years later.

Not sure what my life would've been like otherwise, I had goals that disappeared when I entered the industry. So maybe I would've reached those, or had more/different friends through schooling. Either way, this is where is am.

During Christianity - Post Christianity

When my brother killed himself back when I was a child. I don't really want to talk about this too much but it impacted me severely, it gave me nightmares (which I still sometimes get to this day) and made me want to stop existing for a long time.

I've had therapy and have largely been able to recover though so I'm doing okay now, for a while I wasn't though.