Relationship Advice

I think you've mostly gotten the advice I would give from the other responses with respect to taking care of yourself.

I suffer from back problems and chronic pain. I was unemployed for a long time because of it. I've managed to improve, but it took years. So what I'm going to do for her (through you) is to give you a major shortcut to improving her pain and her ability to manage it: She needs to read the book Back In Control by Dr. David Hanscom. Terrible title, but excellent book.

He's a back surgeon who went through his own chronic pain, losing his job and a fellowship because of it and eventually becoming suicidal. His book can talk you back from the brink of that. It did for me. Even if she's not at that point, the book's advice will help her manage her pain - and her reaction to it - much better.

Here's why I know: after reading the book and practicing his simple mental exercises for just a couple of weeks, I already felt remarkably better. This was partly because if even an accomplished surgeon can go through the experience of not having any help from doctors who don't believe you, then this really isn't just some personal failing. Doctors just aren't equipped to properly address chronic pain (with rare exceptions).

I felt well enough after reading this book that I started looking for a job again. I was still having pain, but the way I experienced it had radically changed. I later discovered that a huge source of my pain was from food intolerances, but this just underscored how badly I had been handling it after suffering through it since I was a child. I had improved without first solving the physical reason for my pain.

The problem with pain of any sort (including emotional) is that the signals all travel over the same neural pathways, reinforcing and amplifying each other. Emotional pain can be felt in the body at the site of an old (but fully healed) injury. It feels like physical pain though, making it really hard to solve.

I am NOT saying "this is in her head." I am saying all pain is actually experienced in the mind, and a mind that's in distress can inadvertently make it worse and worse over time. Mine did.

I hope she takes my advice instead of walking the path I did over the course of about 14 years.

First thing in any relationship: your own happiness. You're young, so you probably still have indoctrinated love ideas a la Disney, eternal love, total self sacrifice and all that bullshit. It's feel-good nonsense.

I repeat: the absolute first priority in any relationship is your own happiness. Does it help anybody that she has chronic pain and is unhappy, and now you're unhappy too? Obviously not, it would be, from a total utilitarian perspective, a much better situation if she was unhappy and you were happy. Total happiness would have increased.

What this means is: you can only support her as much as you are comfortable with it. Like seriously, what is the alternative? Like you say right now, that you're so emotionally drained that the relationship ends? Then the situation would be even worse: she wouldn't get any support at all anymore. What's better, the little support you can give without sacrificing your own happiness, or no support? Obviously the little support.

Now if that is "enough" for her, that is for her to decide. She might decide that she wants a partner that can support her more. Obviously it's a huge gamble, there aren't many people who can deal with a lot of negativity all the time.

Of course, the initial rant about Disney love comes from somewhere. Your thought of being so self-sacrificingly supporting was instilled in you from somewhere. Likely you and people around you think that it's the "good" thing to do. They would be wrong, but that won't stop them from giving you shit probably in the way of "oh how could you be so evil and stop supporting your poor poor girlfriend". This is, in my opinion, abuse. Yes, she has it harder. Is thus your happiness unimportant? Obviously not. But it may be laid out as if it were.

In summary: listen to yourself. Focus on your own happiness. Do only as much as you can. Explain to her why. Tell her everything you think, everything you feel. If she loves you, she won't want to pull you down with her. And the funny, ironic, unintuitive thing will be, once you focus on yourself and are more happy you will also again be able to support her much better. Take your rest, take a break, don't support her when it pulls you down. Be assertive about your own needs, even if she has it worse.

You need to talk with her, be open address your fears and how you feel about the situation. It will be difficult to address, it needs some delicate wording.

By this I mean make sure that you don't blame her for having the pain, it is not her fault to feel it. It is understandable that she needs someone to rely on, but not at the expense of your own happiness.

There is the chance that she will feel attacked and mistreated. That is a risk when discussing any issue. It is best when you tell her that lately you feel exhausted, you wish you could help more but that you cannot. And that you guys need to find a way to deal with it together. It seems to me she is craving / needing the security and someone to rely on so when discussing the issue ensure her that you are there, you are not removing yourself.

It is also worth noting that you have had time to think about how you feel and what it is that bothers you, she did not have that luxury. For her it will be the first time, that she hears about that. Give her the time she needs, it will take time to adjust, to figure out what she is feeling and how to address the changes that are necessary.

Lastly, if you two can't discuss an issue within your relationship in a civil manner it begs the question, is there a point then? Over the years there will be more issues that have to be discussed, problems need solving and if communication fails then there is more hurt coming.

My wife has had chronic pain (CRPS) since 2008. Some thoughts and observations:

• It's important to step back and think about your role. My situation was different than yours: I was married with kids for twelve years, you've been together for a year and aren't married. It really is okay for you to decide it's more than you can handle. Your gf doesn't need to be with someone who becomes bitter about a part of her that she can't control.
• If you decide the pros of being with her outweigh the cons of what being with her requires, you should fully embrace that that's your decision. It's fine if you have down days over it or whatever, but on the whole it just becomes part of your life and it's your decision.
• The two of you should talk about how to get each of you what you need. My wife could sometimes do things, but often just couldn't, and it was cancerous trying to have a conversation every day or every week about what she could do. It was much better for both of us for me to just assume I was doing laundry and dishes and stuff, and her doing what she felt up to when she could. By the same token, it's super hard on a person to feel like they aren't making a contribution or are dependent on someone else.

Good luck!

What outside help (doctors, nurses, medical) is she receiving?

I had a friend just like that. Got tiring hearing him complain all the time, everywhere we went. Ending up avoiding him and encouraging his move when he suggested it. There is just a limit you can be sympathetic to, then it will drive your relationship to end. So the only proven methods to solving your issue is:

1. Couples therapy to deal with your feelings and to teach your partner how to communicate their pain.

2. Physical therapy to find an workout/exercise routine to help deal with the pain they are feeling. Prescription drugs are only a stop gap method and can lead to addiction and emotional outbursts.

I also went through terrible back pain. Had to walk with a cane and shuffle my feet to get anywhere and I was only 35 at the time. I got over my prejudice against yoga and fully emersed myself in it. Took about a year but with daily (2-3x a day) yoga and then adding in strength training little by little I was able to completely overcome my back issues. Prior to my pain I ran 5miles daily and worked out so it's not always about health conditions. Today I'm in my mid 40s and I start every day with yoga, box 4x a week, bike 4x a week and my back pains have been non existent so a simple solution can work.

Similar situation here and only recently starting to learn how important the emotional aspect is. Focus on that instead of trying to it physically better.

Ask her about the pain, how is it right now?even (especially) if they have already told you how bad it is 100 times today. Tell them you see how much they are suffering and tell them how horrible that must be for them. Tell them you believe them.

When you use your energy trying to make things better physically you inevitability make things worse if they don't feel heard and seen and believed.

Hey there. In my house, both of us have issues. Pain is a daily part of our lives.

Communication!

The first time you tell her you can’t do X because reasons; you’re going to ( may) feel like an ahole. But here’s the thing, you have another person you’ve already taking care of… yourself. And if you don’t have any downtime to rest you won’t be able to take care of her.
Not justifying being the AH, but have to tell her when you’re running on empty.

Talk to her about it. Service like this is hard.

Good luck

More info is needed. What is she bringing to the relationship? What are the good parts of the relationship? Because what you described so far sounds like an awful relationship. At only a year together you have no long term commitment to this person, and if being in a relationship with them makes you unhappy then you should end the relationship.