this post was submitted on 02 Jul 2024
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Trans Men Are Being Fetishized More Than Ever on the Dating Scene (www.popsugar.com)
submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by cowboycrustation@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/ftm@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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I'm curious what yalls expierence with this is

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[–] JoMiran@lemmy.ml 23 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Please excuse me if I inadvertently offend. I am a 51 year old bisexual man. I have been an active bisexual man since the late eighties. My wife teases me because of twelve serious relationships I have had with persons born female, ten have been queer. Six of them would probably identify as trans men now but this was the nineties. I also casually dated a lot other queer women, some of which have now officially transitioned.

Ok, all that preamble is in the service of this question. Is "having a type" the same as fetishing? If not, is fetishing like what some do to black men and "BBC hunting"?

If this is an offensive question, please let me know and I will delete. As I said, I am 51. I am from such a different era (which sucked for bi men) that I might as well be from a different planet. I just hate being ignorant on a subject that has been such a big part of my life.

[–] accideath@lemmy.world 9 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Having a type and fetishizing definitely isn’t the same. The difference is, when you have a type, you date people with a certain appearance or with a certain style, etc. because you think they’re hot. Everybody has a type. The fact that they might be trans is not inherently part of that process, although of course, indirectly, it can be. If you’re attracted to masculinity, hang around other queer people a lot and don’t really care what’s in someone’s pants, masculine, queer women and trans men tend to show up in your dating pool.

With fetishes, the most important thing to them is that the person is trans. If they weren’t, there’d be no interest. From what I understand, the main reason most trans ppl don’t like dating someone who fetishizes them is, that they aren’t seen as men or women but explicitly trans men or trans women. Sometimes not even that.

Also, yes, "BBC hunting" is a form of fetishization.

[–] davidagain@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

If I understand you correctly, it's OK to find someone sexy irrespective of whether they're trans, but not because they're trans.

[–] accideath@lemmy.world 5 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Let‘s say it like that: If you find a trans person hot but you wouldn’t if they looked the same but had a different set of genitals, you‘re probably fetishizing, not just having a type.

You are allowed to find different things attractive about different people. Them being trans or not just shouldn’t be the dealbreaker.

[–] match@pawb.social 2 points 4 months ago (3 children)

So wait, if I'm trying to find a dude that looks like Link and is a 5'2" twink, it's not fetishizing trans men even though 99% of the guys who fit that bill are trans?

[–] Dkarma@lemmy.world 7 points 4 months ago

Don't overthink it. You like what u like. The other person is basically kink shaming and I'm not sure why. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to trans ppl for being trans. It's the same as liking someone for having big boobs. Just don't make it weird and toxic for your partner and it's usually all good.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Fetishizing also comes with an element of objectification.

There’s nothing wrong with being into short feminine men. Just be prepared for some of them to possibly be cis, treat them like fellow human beings, and be normal about a 6’2” broad shouldered trans guy too.

[–] match@pawb.social 1 points 4 months ago

I'm not going to be normal about ANY 6'2" broad shouldered guy

[–] accideath@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago

I mean, I’m not the authority on that but I’d say yea.

[–] davidagain@lemmy.world 1 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Got it.

[–] JoMiran@lemmy.ml 6 points 4 months ago

Thank you.

[–] fracture@beehaw.org 8 points 4 months ago

having a type is not the same thing, the essence of fetishizing is objectifying a body type without the consent or consideration of the person who owns the body

e.g. "it would be a shame to waste those great tits of yours" is a fetishization because it's only taking into account the viewer's perspective, not the owner's. a lot of trans men feel really dysphoric about having breasts and, quite frankly, it is only their business if they get top surgery or not. if they ask for your opinion, you can give it, but it should probably emphasize their happiness anyways because they're the ones who have to live in their body, at the end of the day

basically, as long as you treat the person you're seeing with respect and consideration for their happiness, you don't really need to worry about it

[–] Ashelyn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Opposite end of the aisle here, but I hope my comment is welcome. I think a lot of this stems from the bioessentially prescriptivist attitudes a lot of people have. It's for similar reasons that trans women are often framed as predators in women's spaces that trans men are framed as "smol beans" to protect, or misguided by the Trans Agenda™. It's an assigning of hyperagengy to AMABs and hypoagency to AFABs, and it's really gross.

The most "fun" part I'm guessing is when you call it out as a reactionary attitude and cue the shock and horror to the thought, that maybe unsolicited infantilization doesn't paint transmascs in the positive light they think it does.

[–] Dkarma@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I think a lot of this comes from the idea of "passing". It's much easier from what I've seen for trans men to pass than trans women... primarily because of facial hair and body structure if the person is not on hrt.

[–] TheIntrovertedSlut@lemmy.world 1 points 4 months ago

That opinion's based on what kind of evidence? Anything queer enough, away from the societal expectations, gets pushback.

[–] apotheotic@beehaw.org 8 points 4 months ago

From a transfemme to all you wonderful transmascs: you're valid, you deserve respect, and I love you. I'm sorry this fetishization happens and I hope society will grow to love you as you have grown to love yourselves.

[–] mjsaber@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 4 months ago (1 children)

As a trans woman, being fetishized is pretty much the only option I have if I want to date men. Sad to hear trans men deal with this too.

[–] cowboycrustation@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 4 months ago (1 children)

It's pretty crazy if you look on any porn site under the trans category. If there even is porn with a transmasc person (rare), it's almost always with a cis man and the trans man is always on the bottom. Feels gross that that's the only thing available most of the time.

[–] Septimaeus@infosec.pub 4 points 4 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

That might be a category with higher straight crossover appeal (and as a result preferred algorithmically without additional data prompts) but trans dom kinks are prevalent.

Anecdotal but a friend told me she shifted her client base to cis male subs for various reasons, the foremost being greater demand.