Autism

The lack of a visual imagination that you can control is called aphantasia.

I wish my internal monologue would shut the fuck up. It's almost always rehearsing arguments. Like for a whole day all I'll think about is why someone I spoke to in a forum 20 years ago was wrong. I listen to podcasts or loud music to get a break from hearing my thoughts.

Man, you're describing me. I don't have a lot to offer other than to say you're not alone.

My memory is garbage, luckily I'm in software development, so I can live and die by search engines, digital notes, and calendar notifications.

I definitely have to "sketch" things out or pseudo-code ideas or do something to get it "in front" of me so I can organize it. I really can't do it mentally.

My wife is befuddled by my inability to visualize. She asks me to describe people I've just met and the best I can do is, "couple arms, a couple legs, some fingers..."

Anyway...happy to answer other questions if needed, but like I said, you're not alone.

I suppose I'm on the opposite side of visualization spectrum. I can easily conjure images so realistic and detailed that they pass for the real thing. I can also add texture, smells, temperature, sound, etc. but I can't fake weight or pure white color which for some reason always turns out somewhat grey or beige.

I don't think much in words however, most of my thoughts are in images and sensations. Which does make verbal communication somewhat challenging at times.

Sometimes the realism of visualization worries me somewhat. Many mental processes have a tendency to get a bit out of conscious control, and it would be quite troublesome to no longer know which of the things I see are actually real. On the plus side, I can visualize paintings on my walls, without actually buying any! I like having no decorations in my home, which seems to confuse people. Perhaps I should start comparing it to a blank canvas...

I can visualize whenever I want, but I have the same fuzziness issue you describe. It's like quantum mechanics, a detail only resolves when I specifically measure it, and it's in flux as I interrogate other details. My dreams are also like this, and all my senses are poor and low resolution, yet I don't notice until I've awoken.

If I needed to somewhat accurately visualize something, I'd remember details of it in like a list form and reconstruct an image following that. Usually I don't have enough details memorized/given and I have to much freedom in the recreation, leading to inaccuracies. At least I've known for a while that my "memory" is actually reconstruction and so I can't trust it.

I can remember 100 digits of pi, but I can't remember my family's birthdays/anniversaries/whatever and it takes me a moment to remember my own! A calendar is a necessity for me.

Interestingly, I almost always monologue, even now I'm reading this out as I type! If I skim information faster than I can form words, I notice the monologue gives up, but I also am less likely to remember the information or form connections with it. It's a strange feeling knowing that I'm almost listening to the language of pure information whenever my monologue stops, although the information is usually fuzzier than I would like.

My brain shifted towards the end of high school. Growing up, I had an uncontrollable imagination and mental environment - it was essentially a never ending plot line consisting of characters from movies, shows, books, comics- anyone that I found interesting. It was a way to cope. My brain constantly had these characters interact and create conflicts. Their actions and dialog would sometimes spill out into the real world, and I had to remember to keep everything inside. I saw it all in my mind- it was honestly super creative. I eventually wanted it all to stop because I felt like I couldn't control it, but it took effort. I had to slowly turn the extremely detailed characters into lesser versions of themselves until they were just mental stick figures; eventually, I was able to stop the story as I got bored maintaining personalities for 2d characters.

I can still access my visual mind, with effort, but it's nothing like it was. It is now instead a constant inner monologue which converses at nothing- usually it's about topics which I might have to explain to someone later or a way to navigate my thoughts/feelings. There's never anyone talking back, just my mind talking at nothing. It can be helpful as my brain bricks during random/spontaneous conversations with people, and I can lean on rehearsed talking points/sentences.

As for memory- It's on point when something is actively in my life, but the moment that thing becomes uninteresting or I step away for a few weeks, it feels less accessible and usually makes me super anxious and avoidant. Learning about things initially is super fun, but knowing I'm missing information which I previously was very confident in is tough for me.

I seem to have a harder time than others imagining the future. Which means it's hard to prepare adequately for anything. I can imagine whole stories in my head and make myself cry when I get too involved, but I don't think the images that come with it are very detailed. I've sort of made myself stop imagining conversations with existing people, because making up an imagined version of someone inside of my head seems unfair towards the person and counterproductive for the relationship.

I'm over 40 now and my disaster/success rate in social interactions is a solid 50% - it was fairly bad during the last three years of burnout recovery, but is improving again, and I found getting more decent at it came with age and the approach of solving the problem of social interactions like I'd solve a technical problem: finding out the rules of social interaction and then just applying them. So it turns out people love to talk about themselves, so with just one small question from my side I can have others talking at me for hours, they are really happy, and I just have to nod.

Memory, ugh. Random facts yes. Names no. Schedule no. I probably remember things I've read a lot better than things I've heard, because my reading has always been good while my auditory processing is rotten to begin with even on a good day. I only figured that out this year or so, but then I just figured I was on the spectrum at 37 ... knowing what's going on is really helpful so one can look actively for hacks to have an easier life.

I have very good imagination. I often try to use it to predict all possible situations that can occur related to problems I am trying to solve. If I don't miss some important detail - I am usually correct at preparing for situations thanks to this.

My internal monologue is constant and omnipresent, especially if I am alone. It is usually critical of everyone and everything. It can even make me laugh at horrible but grotesque situations, but it allows me to appreciate things and situations that many people consider purely bad because they can't see any depth.

I am 27, not sure if I am autistic but I can relate to a lot of people are saying in their posts/comments about that. I don't like labeling myself because too often, I see people trying to put me in the nearest stereotype known to them.

Things from your post I can relate to:

My subconscious can solve entire problems for me but I can't force it or can miss it easily. It is a subtle feeling to me. Btw. - everything is a problem or a project to me.

My memory is horrible. The only way for me to think and not forget what are my conclusions is to write down, reread, correct, reread, reorganize written text which is better than my memory. I do remember some events which made me learn something important.

Doing even 2 things at once is very frustrating to me.

I can figure out social interactions if I plan them. I am still learning and getting better at it but pain of social rejection is almost physical to me.

I have a great job now because I can do pretty much whatever I want as long as I can get it done, is text based, only mental, managers are very nice to me. My previous jobs were horrible experiences. Just mountains of misery, not only for me. The feeling of powerlessness made these even worse.

I think that's your whole post answered to.

...and people think I'm smart.

This make people think I'm stupid.

My brain

Edit: I hope this doesn't come across as me making fun. Everyone's autism is different, and I regret yours comes with memory, visualization, and thought processing difficulties. You had just mentioned having only recently realized the meaning behind cartoon thought bubbles, and that was the thought bubble coming out of my head when reading your post. 😊

I wish I could help, but my autism doesn't come with those particular problems. Have you receive an ASD diagnosis? Read any books on various function coping methods for autistic people?

I can relate to some of what you're describing. A lot of things that I know or solve just happen. I make absolutely no effort and it happens almost instantaneously. It's extremely fast. However, if I can't get it that way, I typically have to externalize the whole process, either by writing it down, talking to someone or myself, or acting it out. But, once I practice the information to the point that "feel it", it turns into that super fast automatic process. People will often say that I'm smart. Even just this week, someone called me a genius. Really, I think I'm pretty dumb. I just have this ability to practice/engage in something long enough that it becomes automatic knowledge that I feel.