Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
“Hey hubby, I’m not sure why, but when you say “Hey come here” to me, I feel really stressed as I’m walking to you not knowing whether it’s a good ‘come here’ or a bad ‘come here’. Can we workshop a way to communicate that doesn’t feel so stressful to me? Could you say something like “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.”?”
Tell him what you are feeling until he understands and wants to help you feel less stressed. Another option is to ask while you are walking, something simple like “good or bad?”
This is good. I’m going to try this.
I hope it helps!
Over dinner with friends, they were sharing their own “communication pacts”. My one friend said they had a “No gaslighting” rule where if something even sounds like a potential gaslight, they call it out and squash it.
My wife and I have a few rules. A “No surprises” rule would resolve this issue. “Come here” is vague, which can be surprising. I’d enforce that rule.
We review these couple rules every year or two. Been married for 15 years.