When people call me and I don’t want them to. I slowly and seductively describe what their genitals smell like to me. I describe all the ways I would hurt them sexually. I generally describe it as verbal sexual abuse.

I am a hit at parties.

But look in all seriousness. If something under my control hurts you. Then that’s on me. If I’m driving a car and hit you that’s my fault. If my dog bites you. That means I didn’t do my job. That is my fault.