Non-binary seems like it could have several non-compatible meanings, so I wanted to list some of those meanings and see if there are any others out there I don't know.
One way I could think of non-binary is as being a kind of third gender category, like there are men, women, and non-binary people. In this sense of non-binary a butch woman who considers themselves a woman would not be non-binary because they are a woman.
Sometimes non-binary is used like "genderqueer" is sometimes used, as a generic description of anyone who doesn't fit perfectly in the narrow confines of the binary genders (i.e. men and women). In this sense a butch woman could see themselves as a woman, but also as genderqueer and non-binary, as they do not conform to binary gender norms for women.
Another way non-binary seems to be used (related to genderqueer in its historical context) is as a political term, an identity taken up by otherwise cis-sexual and even cis-gendered people who wish to resist binary gender norms and policing. In this sense even a femme cis-sexual woman might identify as non-binary. Sometimes this political identity label might come with a gender expression that cuts against the gender expectations for the assigned sex at birth, but it doesn't have to. (I recently met two people whose gender expressions matched their assigned sex at birth but who identified as non-binary in this political sense.)
I was wondering what other meanings of non-binary are out there, and how they are commonly used.
Note: gatekeeping what is "really" non-binary seems pointless to me, since I agree with Wittgenstein that "language is use".
I know people get heated about policing what a word means (and I am guilty of this myself), but in the interest of inclusion, pluralism, and general cooperation in our community I think we can find a way to communicate with overlapping and different meanings of a shared term.
I don’t think it has any solid, narrow definition, hence why it seems to broaden as it catches some more unique experiences of gender, and the political label a cis person might adopt. The more people talk about how their experiences don’t conform to a binary, the more points on the spectrum might get grouped up as non-binary, partially due to the rigidity of the binary gendered norms.
I’m considering calling myself a non-binary man, as I don’t feel that I fit firmly in the standard gendered masculine group, but I don’t feel awful being nominally gendered male by others most the time.
I want to present more androgynous most times, feminine at other times, masculine otherwise.
Even at the end of the day, I still feel more comfortable with he/him or they/them, or he/they pronouns. Though I sometimes feel a bit dysphoric when I’m wanting to present less masculine and look in the mirror and see my beard growing back 🙃
To me, it is more about non-conformance and the desire to queer gender norms and experiences, but I’ve met people who see it more as a third gendered option both in the sense that both genders are present, and in the sense that none are present. And I’ve seen people who use it more as a non-gendered option.
I’ve also seen people use it in a similar way to what I do, calling themselves a non-binary trans-woman/trans-man/trans-person, often as a way to add more nuance to how they experience gender.
While I’m queer, I didn’t spend a lot of time in LGBTQ+ spaces growing up due to a lasting consequence of my conservative christian upbringing leading to a mild queer-phobia. Even when I was happy calling myself a socialist (aka being a leftist who says “just don’t shove it in my face”). I’ve probably fudged some terminology. I’ve had some catching up to do lmao.
That being said, I do think my ideology has been shaped, to a degree, from my experiences going through that, being closeted, and what exploration I let myself do then and now.
Interesting notions, it sounds like a lot of your notion of "non-binary" is similar to the second meaning I had in mind, basically the idea of being genderqueer or gender non-conforming.
I can really relate to some of what you are saying about not feeling awful being nominally gendered male by others, I had a sort of indifference to gender and felt like if people wanted to call me he/him that it was on them, not me. They were gendering me, so I didn't have to take it that seriously.
When I watched the Transition Channel videos, especially the Common Excuses to Transitioning video, I realized I might be more trans than I had previously considered (I thought of myself as nominally non-binary and "gender non-conforming" before, not really thinking of those terms as being trans per se), and most importantly that I might have been suppressing myself and ignoring dysphoria. It was a good coping strategy while growing up since transitioning was never going to be an option then, and it was unsafe not to conform to the assigned masculine gender.
Like Natalie Wynn and Mia Violet describe, I too found living as a boy not too bad. I didn't really have thoughts that I was a girl before puberty hit. Even living as a man wasn't that distressing as I could just ignore gender and dissociate to cope.
Anyway, your description of your gender reminds me a lot of myself before I transitioned (not that this means you will be like me, I just can relate to what you are describing). It's hard for me because transitioning is so difficult, there is still such a strong desire in me to ignore this problem and not prioritize it. I feel selfish for prioritizing it, and I also feel like it's a huge risk for something that I have been able to live without for so long.
That said, HRT changed the balance - I'm not transitioning so I can live as a woman primarily, I'm transitioning because repressing and having androgen dominance turned out to be impacting my mental health in ways I didn't know until I tried HRT.