I came out to a friend this weekend. She was a house guest for a while and managed to be an amazing person the whole time! I had such a good weekend just existing as myself for a while that it was almost overwhelming. I was telling my spouse how I felt and that I was so happy, and I haven’t felt this happy in so long. I just started crying from the joy.
I saw her in the mirror.
I brought her out to be seen.
I am her.
Take care of yourself! A little bit of maintenance can prevent a whole lot of suffering.
Kathryn Janeway would go heft a phaser compression rifle, shoot down the FaceApp intruder, then go see her friendly neighborhood EMH about a hypospray full of estrogen. And maybe consider freezing materials for IVF later on.
Seriously though, those things lead you down the path of unrealistic expectations. Enjoy the journey to your own femininity. It’s different for all of us, and no less valid because some awful “AI” code doesn’t match up to the face you end up with.
I had a week! I went to the salon with my spouse for their appointment, and chatted up the front desk and my usual stylist. I’ve been getting crew cuts with clippers here for 15 years. I told them I was transitioning and needed help growing out and styling and THEY. WERE. ECSTATIC! I spent almost an hour talking with everyone at the salon about hair, clothes, makeup, an upcoming pride festival, and just generally enjoying life as myself for once! What an affirming day :)
I followed that affirming day up with heart problems and a cardio visit that pointed the blame at anti-androgens, so I finally convinced my clinic to switch from spiro, finasteride, and oral E to EV injection monotherapy. I hope that stabilises my mood, accelarates my changes, and finally kicks the T to the curb. Otherwise I’m going to beg for orchi next.
I went for another run this weekend, and realized I finally had a physical body change. I also realized I needed to buy a running bra way sooner than I expected, because that HURT. I’m happy that my body is finally starting to change almost two months in to HRT, but I was not prepared. At least it was only a 5k. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if I had signed up for a half marathon this weekend. I might have gotten my first DNF if I had!
I also realize that I’m part of an extremely lucky small group of trans women. I have an absolutely loving and fantastic spouse that has been nothing but supportive through this entire process. They stand by me, cover for me when I need it (they even go with me and “pick out their own makeup” for me when we’re shopping together!), and accept me for who I am. They’re also not shy about calling me out when a style is a definite no for me. It’s nice to be able to just cuddle up on the couch with our cats and enjoy some tea together. We’ve been together for a very long time, but I’m falling in love all over again!
The cry fits are real. I usually take my E a few hours before evening shower, so I end up bawling while surrounded by warm water anyway. I’m hoping they’re less intense and less frequent after switching to injections. Fingers crossed!
This one was a whirlwind of things. I might have a heart condition. I would have set a new personal best in a race I ran, except that the possible heart condition and/or the side effects of spironolactone made me take walk breaks because I red-zoned a dozen times. I mustered up the courage to wear a full face of makeup and some femme-leaning clothing out to a doctor appointment and therapy for the first time. I even made an unexpected detour to buy a snack. That was an unnerving thing to do on a whim. I guess I’m not as timid as I thought. I also spent the whole weekend with the only two people who I am out with, but at the request of one of them we had “just a normal time doing normal things”. Which means I spent the whole weekend in boymode and not speaking up much. And then I find out that one of them couldn’t stop herself from outing me. Thankfully everyone involved is immediate family, but that kind of breach of trust hurts. On a good note, that outing went extremely well and I now have a third person in my support network who is a strong ally. So a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, altogether.
Pain can be a teacher, and it sounds like your lesson was received. You have self-worth and deserve to be loved, and have learned that at some point you stop giving chances to those who aren’t willing to be a source of that love. Try to find some joy in growing as a person, and hold on to the memories while you go forward instead of letting them drag you back. I think it’s worth saying again: you deserve to be loved!
mrrp
After viewing and funeral shenanigans of having to be dead named and referred to as “son in law” and “husband” all weekend, I would welcome this. I think I may just visit the specialty ice cream shop and suggest it for dinner to my spouse instead of normal food.
Listen I tried. I actually went to what I thought was going to be my therapy appointment and all I got was: “I’m not a therapist. This is a consultation. You should se a therapist, though! Here’s a list; see if any of them are covered by your insurance. And I have no idea if any of them are trans-affirming”. So yeah, I tried to do something, but ended up doing nothing. I’m still a dysfunctional bitch, though.
One thing I wanted to mention but didn’t: I wrote this to show that it could be possible to be you and be in a loving relationship. They don’t all have to end just because of a change. My spouse and I still love each other as much as the day we met. I’m starting thereapy to work through my transition, and at some point I will bring them in for a couples session (or as many as we need!) to make sure we are both doing the things that are right for us. I’d love to remain in this marriage the rest of my life. I hope they do as well, but if there are needs I can no longer fulfill or the attraction isn’t there anymore, I’m willing to accept that. Life was never fair (I’d have been born with two X chromosomes if it was!) and I know that changes can come and that some can be worse than others. For now though, I have a trusted partner, best friend, and loving spouse to help me through it, all in the same person.
There’s a lot of great advice here already, so I’m not going to reitreate. Instead, I’m going to offer an anecdote:
My egg cracked 11 years ago. At the time, my spouse and I had been married for 5 years and together for 10. They meant the world to me and were the only thing driving me every day. I always said that my career was second; they were the smarter one (higher academic degree, more published papers, more detailed mathematical work) and so I could pick up anywhere and do whatever as long as they were doing what they wanted. I would then and would still, now, gladly take a bullet to keep them safe.
I put this out there to lay the foundation for my decision when I discovered, cognitively, that I was transfemme. My immediate and lasting reaction was to shove that in a box and bury it. I refused to harm our relationship or my spouse in ANY way, including but not limited to: socially, emotionally, economically, physically. I was thinking about the direct and indirect effects on them from knowing, and dealing with, me, my transition, or the way others would react to it with them or to them.
I missed a very important factor in all of this: me. Forgetting, just for a moment, how miserable it is to live through over a decade of dysphoria without help or even a verbal outlet, I harmed my spouse by being absent from life in general. I was always stuck inside my own head thinking about how life could be instead of how it was at the moment. After I came out, received a diagnosis and eventually began HRT, they told me they could tell I was actually with them again. I was there. Physically, sure, but also mentally! I was aware in full of the world and events around me and actively taking part in life again.
Did I do some damage? Yes. Some of it is yet to be realized, since I still fully pass in boymode and am sticking to that in public for quite some time. The difference is that the issues we face now and will face in the future are ones we’ll face together. I won’t face them alone inside my head and they won’t face them without me really being in the moment. We’re actually a couple again, everyday, and I wouldn’t give this up for anything.
I have one regret. I regret not doing this a decade ago.
I am somehow immune to the stereotypical pickle and olive cravings, but I am devouring these almond-butter filled pretzel bites. I don’t even like hard pretzels. At least, I didn’t like them before! I also went and got my ears pierced this weekend. That felt right, somehow. I only got flat white gold studs, and my spouse says they look punk more than anything, but they somehow make my face feel smaller. I’ll take any win I can get.
Whirlwind of a week! Spent it with my in-laws. We ran a race this weekend, and I wore my pride socks in public for the first time. The person in front of me at the starting line was wearing a progress pride flag as a cape, and I said “thank you”. My sister-in-law clued in and was asking my spouse what was going on while they ran, so after I set a new PR I came out to her. “Ok, as long as you’re happy” was almost immediately followed by the gobsmacked " omg, you must be really upset with things right now". So I guess that’s a win. It was nice being in a public place where I didn’t constantly hear hateful gibberish and saw people openly being themselves (including employees; those butterfly earrings were gorgeous!) so a good trip in all. My spouse’s parents still don’t know, though. One week at a time!
On another note, nobody told me voice training was going to be this bad. Yes, I followed the guides and the videos. I also see a professional. The LPR damage is making it very difficult, though!
Thanks! Yes, I think I need to talk to the clinic. 50mg/day of spiro seems far too low for someone my size
Very jealous. I’m also my first week in on Spiro and E (and Finasteride, because boo hair loss) and I feel… Nothing? That said. I got to try out my first real outfit. Turns out I like skirts and shrugs. Even better when the skirt has pockets! I’m glad things are working for you, though. As with everyone on this journey, YMMV. Enjoy it!
I finally bought a set of my own polish (instead of using my spouse’s) and I have a light blue on the outer toes. They’re gorgeous! The little things do so much sometimes
Happy for you! Breaking out of the egg is harder than it feels it should be, but it is so worth doing.
Thank you!
I don’t know if I have a problem seeing myself. My problem is that who I see is ever so slightly different over time. I also know that the self-image I have is incongruent with many things. Gender. Age. Some basic physical features, like hair and eye color. It’s not just the visual, either. There’s a gap between how I carry myself today vs. how I feel I should be physically moving. How I sound is wrong. My scent isn’t correct, either. So while I don’t need to force myself to mentally conjure my self-image, it’s a struggle to keep it nailed down to a single me sometimes.