Yeah that was my experience, crying myself to sleep as I could feel the testosterone poisoning my body. Not having the words to say what’s going on. Not knowing what would happen even if I could figure out what to say, but knowing it wouldn’t be good.

Little dream Amber was aspirational, though.

So she’s bi, and probably she/they agender.

On the sexuality side, she thinks that homosexuality is immoral because certain Bible verses seem to condemn it (she would word that much more strongly), so she’d be much happier if I was content to transition to he/they feminine man. I, on the other hand, would love to jump straight from hiding behind my he/him masc to living she/her full time, the transition itself and being visibly trans scares me.

On the gender side, she feels that her soul isn’t gendered, that she’d feel equally at home in a male body, and feels that if I’m a woman because I feel like a woman, she can’t be a woman because her genderless soul happened to be poured into a woman. I told her she’s allowed to be a woman for different reasons than I’m a woman, and she didn’t like that. I told her I would happily use they/them pronouns and had no issues perceiving her as genderless, but she didn’t want that, either.

So yeah we are cracking all this open and we pick up one tiny piece of this mess and chew on it and discuss it for like a week, decide we can’t agree, put it back down and try a different piece.

We are seeing a therapist next month, but Christian therapists who specialize in gender issues are really really rare, so it’s a one time consultation instead of someone we can go back to.

I just finished coming out this week to everyone who matters, personally and face to face, so I feel like I’m in a good place to go through this list

So to start I’d rate myself a 2 because of some internalized transphobia/homophobia from my conservative Christian upbringing.

My wife is a 3, she sees and loves the real me and is incredibly supportive up to a point and then not supportive at all. She’s taken me shopping and helped me pick a purse, takes time out of her busy life to help me with laser hair removal in places I can’t reach, is teaching me girl things like what to do with my long hair and painted nails… But then she won’t call me by my chosen name and pronouns. I haven’t asked her to, because she thinks she’d be lying to me. We are working on it, we’re going to make it work.

My siblings and parents (and in-laws) range from a 1 to a 5, from Bible thumping to complete affirmation.

My gay friends are all a 1, but they don’t understand that I’m still a Christian and hate that part of me.

I think “accepting as Trans/accepting as Christian” is the same scale, inverted. Those who accept my transness don’t accept my Christianity, and vice versa.

Trying to convince both sides of this culture war that reconciliation is possible and good and right, and that I, the Transbian Christian, should be allowed to exist in both camps at once… It’s exhausting. Why must existing itself be so hard.

I dream of a world in which this civil rights movement has been won, and people on both sides (and in the middle) look back at us today and say “what a bunch of bigots we all were”

When I was a kid my first puppy love crush was on a Sunday school teacher named Amber. And the name stuck with me. I met a second Amber in highschool and she was pure gender envy. I’ve used it online for my “pretend I’m a girl online” name many times, and if I had daughters instead of sons there’s a possibility one of them would have ended up with the name. But a couple people have started calling me Amber to my face and it’s the best thing ever.

I came out to my family yesterday, at an Easter thing. That was tough but woof that’s a load off. Now I can boymode less around them!

I was going to come out during the super bowl party my sister was holding, because a quorum of my family was going to be there. Next opportunity is an Easter party my sister is holding, which is in one week from today. So I’m excited/nervous/trying to figure out what I’m going to say.

Hi Amber! Always fun seeing another Amber in the wild, I wish you the best of luck!

I’m way further along than I ever thought I’d get. The laser hair removal and the finastride are both working great to add/remove hair where needed. My bald spot has tiny little hairs growing! I have a small selection of women’s clothing, and I love them, but fuck women’s pockets. I guess I need a purse? Also ordered a gaff, should help me feel more confident in my girl jeans.

On the other hand, I’m missing some foundations. I was planning on coming out socially to my family during a superb owl party, but then everyone got sick and it was cancelled. I need to find another time where we can just chill over a beer and go over everything. Maybe someday after church? Because I’m missing my social foundation, I can’t drop the masc. Which means I can’t shave and laser my face (wearing the same distinctive beard for years means there will be questions if it goes away). Which means I can’t learn makeup. So feeling a tiny bit stuck until I can come out.

Also, the wife likes how happy presenting more fem makes me, but still thinks that her being with a woman is a sin and is suppressing her bi side. The current compromise is no estrogen for me. Again, this is much further than I ever thought I’d get, so I’m taking it in stride and doing what I can with what I have.

Continuing goals: voice train, lose weight, increase fem wardrobe. New goals: come out, destroy beard, learn makeup Pipe dream: convince the wife that estrogen is the bestrogen, slowly grow into old ladies together, and convince the world that “Queer Christian” isn’t an oxymoron.