If I could transport my mind into my childhood body with a fedora, I would go back to about three when I could say weird shit without drawing too much attention.

Then it’s just a matter of time to build my brand on the internet. I’ll start in yahoo chat rooms, responding to anyone who types 16/F/Cali, I will call them females and tell them about my sword collection. I will claim to be a ninja.

As I grow older, my methods will become more sophisticated, cell phones will open up dating apps to my awkward and slightly offensive communication. I’ll be the first to post unironic pictures of myself with a trenchcoat and swords to MySpace, thereby preventing columbine through the power of cringe.

I’ll start the incel movement a decade ahead, only to be revealed as a ten year old kid, shaming everyone involved. Then I’ll get a youtube channel and be the first gamer, playing and reviewing games while alluding to controversial opinions on immigrants and the gays, growing so big in an empty market and crashing so hard it’ll never start again, when it comes out that I roleplay as a gay femboy on tumblr.

I will take the cringe upon myself to save the world from its sins. I will be the Edgelord and savior.