Bryan Johnson, 45, is shocking his, uhm, Johnson in hopes of never dying? Did I get that right?
Bryan Johnson, the 45-year-old man whose pursuit of eternal youth has driven him to swap blood with his 17-year-old son, is directing his attention below the belt. His belt, to be specific. Tomorrow he will start getting Alprostadil injected into his penis as a part of his “penis rejuvenation” journey. That’s right: Johnson is trying to rejuvenate his Johnson. Godspeed, I suppose.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Alprostadil is used to treat erectile dysfunction, Johnson says he’s using it to increase “ejaculation vol[ume]” and “max urination speed” as well. I’m sorry to have to inform you that this man is also getting his “penis plaque” checked, which is apparently scar tissue or something that could slow down the speed of things coming out of his dick. I suppose it makes sense that a man so occupied with the passage of time is concerned with urinating as quickly as possible. He’s got to get back to taking 61 pills a day and eating 70 pounds of vegetables a month. Looking that spooky is a full-time job!
Johnson shared his goal on Instagram to increase the length and hardness of his nighttime erections from 2 hours and 12 minutes to 3 hours and 30 minutes, the latter of which is the average noctural erection time of an 18-year-old. Also, for full transparency, I’m just taking Johnson’s word for that. I don’t quite have it in me to Google “18-year-old nocturnal erections” on my work (or personal) laptop.
Johnson’s penile rejuvenation therapy also involves sending shockwaves into his genitals. Medical professionals explained to Rolling Stone that these electro shockwaves “rejuvenate” the penis, similar to how weightlifting causes small tears in bodily tissue that then cause the body to regenerate new tissue.
Is this more information than you want to know about a man who looks like the spiritual lovechild of the Morpheus and Legolas? I apologize. It’s more than I want to know, too. But unfortunately I am sadistically fascinated with this rich man who’s desperately trying to avoid the natural aging process by injecting himself with supplements and literally shocking his penis.
I suppose it makes sense that Johnson has refocused his youthful obsession onto his own genitals, as that seems to be at the center of a lot of men’s passions.
I love how there’s a dude out there hoping to improve his urination speed of all things. Where in the fuck is he in such a hurry to get to that he can’t take a piss break? Just sit down and have a piss, mate, it’s worth taking the time to relax a little.
Oh there are many many men out to improve their urination speed. The problem’s just not the penis. Prostate swelling will make you stand at the urinal forever while it just dribbles out. It’s a pretty standard old man problem.
Oh, I totally get that. Prostate swelling is not fun. The way this article is worded though, makes it seem a bit like he’s just doing it to save some time in his day-to-day high intensity workflow. I found that incredibly hilarious.
Nah he want to start competitions.
" And the gold 🥇 goes for Mike with a time of 00:18.35621 ".
Try flomax
Will Flomax optimize my work week?
I did not know that.
Flex opportunity.
Time to take advantage of this and blast my piss like a high end super soaker at all the old rich folks at the golf course.
Supersonic Pissing is the future, my man.
If he ever finds the answer I too want to be able to cut sheet metal with my wee wee!
You’d be able to rob banks just with your shlong.
“Put your hands where I can see them! This weapon is loaded! I’ve drank 4 l of apple juice this morning!”
You wouldn’t even need to reveal yourself. Just get as close to the vault as possible and piss yourself right in.
Sit down? For a piss?
High quality pissing stems from the seat.
I hear people say this but I can’t really get the old balloon quite completely empty itself seated. Gotta at least stand up for the wiggles
Gotta push the taint with your finger boys. Pump it, like Technotronic.
Seriously, this “millionaires using the blood of children to rejuvenate” sounds so evil and even demonic that it used to be a conspiracy theory.
Guess that “the only difference between a conspiracy theory and a fact is time” was right after all
Also the article says “swap” blood. Is he trying to prematurely age his son?
He’s sucking the life out of him. That’s literally what I meant by evil
*Vampiric. These dudes are aspiring to be literal vampires.
It’s possible this is what the original conspiracy was, and it was exxagerated as a way of destroying its credibility. Happens with aliens all the time.
His poor son, family, and basically everyone he knows.
WTF, this dude is only 45? I understand wanting to have a healthy body as you age but there are cheaper and easier ways to achieve that. Seems like a waste time, money, and energy being that afraid of death.
He thinks he’s discovered a shortcut. Also, if it were to work, what are the implications of putting your old blood into the body of your 17 year old son? Creepy. If he’s so concerned, he should focus on diet, exercise, skin care, stress management, metabolic health management, and sleep. Creepy sociopath.
My first thought was, if you’re benefitting from your son’s blood, he’s paying some sort of consequence. I’m sure there’s some rationalizing happening like “his organs are young and will better flush the toxins” or some bullshit but I feel like something like Newton’s laws of motion would apply here. If you’re getting a benefit is it likely the kid is getting the opposite?
I wouldt risk it with my kids. Sounds sociopathic.
I thought swapping meant just taking blood, not putting his blood into his son. Why bother? The kids a healthy 18 year old, just let his body naturally regenerate the blood.
Might as well start making horcruxes at this point
Yeah. And despite his efforts looks like 45 too
Yeah this guy sounds crazy! If he is having problems with all this stuff now i dont want to be around him when he gets actually old! To me he sounds like a complete narcissist and that means he is gonna have one hell of a narcissistic collapse when hes actually old. I feel bad for his family.
You know what, weird goals, but fuck it. Dude is experimenting on himself and isn’t hurting anyone right? Honestly a much better pursuit than swapping blood with your fuckin 17 year old. Best case scenario we get some interesting medical data out of it, maybe he’s onto something and he’s accidentally funding medical research that helps out older folks with urination issues.
God [pissing] speed brother.
I’d be so upset if this dude is the one that unlocks immortality, instead of some benevolent research group in a post-scarcity society.
Well on the plus side I don’t think he’ll actually be achieving immortality with dick injections, and if he does then at least we know we live in a simulation and “god” is fucking with us lmao
Wait though… this IS the swapping blood guy …
Yeah, that’s my point
This techbro is too dumb for me to read the whole article. Just tell me if he is grafting his son’s penis on his own now.
Can someone break the news to him and tell him he looks averagely 50?
I, too, suffer from an ambitious penis.
He can afford all these blood transfusions but he can’t afford a wig that looks like it was made from human hair?
This guy looks like the dollar store version of Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. He needs to take all that money he’s spending on the search for immortality and invest it into a therapist whose concentration is body dysmorphia.
It’s funny because all this effort and eventually his cock will stop working right anyway. And then later he’ll die. Sorry bud, if this was a solvable problem people richer than you already would have solved it.
Jesus, don’t let this lad watch Urotsukidoji!
The author here is an ass.
Tbf, the guy he’s writing about is batshit.
I’ve heard about this guy from a Diary of a CEO podcast.
If he’s cracked the secret to immortality with how he’s changed his lifestyle then fair play to him but I also think this could be pseudoscience bullshit. He looks ridiculously young for his age.
He looks pretty much 45 to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I think there’s some research done on benefits of blood transfusion from young mice to older mice but no human trials as far as I’m aware. It’s likely bs. That said, I look younger than he does and I’m 48. Partly genetics, partly luck, partly making an effort to eat right and exercise.
