Hey! I recently started dating someone, and it is both of our first relationships. We have only been dating for 5 months. We both go to the same college in NY, and we recently decided to make a 3-day road trip in Early September.
The financial discussions for our upcoming trip have been a bit awkward, and we sorta decided that I will be footing the bill for the hotel, while he would cover gas and food. I felt like this was a bit unfair, as the cost of the hotel is probably ~3x what gas/food would cost us. I had brought this up and I noticed it was a bit of a trigger for him, and it was clear he wasn’t too keen on having the discussion. I don’t think this comes from malice, but more so that money discussions are always awkward, and this is both of our first relationships.
I had offered to split it so that he pays a quarter of the hotel charge, and he sort of reluctantly said yes, but mentioned he doesn’t have the money right now, so I didn’t really push further.
Both of us have different perspectives on money - he is a lot more frivolous than me in spending, while I’m pretty frugal. Even though we’re both in university, I have more disposable income than him (mostly because of my frugality).
I’m worried that I will resent him during and after the trip because of this, and I know I need to bring it up to him, but I don’t know how I should approach it. I do really want to go on the trip, and I realize that I may be too “cheap” and should let things go. At the same time, I’m feeling more and more resentful whenever he mentions how he spent money buying (non-essential) new clothes or books. I’ve been bottling it up for a bit since he’s going through a bit of a rough patch, but the date of the trip is approaching and I can’t keep my mind off things.
To clarify, my questions are:
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How do I bring it up to him? I’m worried if it feels like too much like an ultimatum, we’d have to cancel the trip.
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Should I just “suck it up”? I know in relationships things aren’t always equal. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same, but I’m not sure if he would.
I can not emphasize how much I like him. My post may have made this sound like a toxic relationship but it is anything but. It’s just one small part of an otherwise amazing relationship.
This is hard. It does sound like there is a bit of a wealth imbalance.
First, a defense of you partner. When someone is poor, or has grown up with poverty, seeing someone who has money but doesn’t spend it can be difficult. Sometimes this can be due to monetary education as a child, but generally those who do not gain financial literacy early in life struggle with understanding money and how it works until they do gain financial literacy.
It sounds as if you have had some financial training, probably given to you by your parents. Having things like an emergency fund, particularly at your age, is exceptionally rare.
If your partner hasn’t had a similar experience, it can be extremely painful to them to see you ‘have money’, while they may feel like they struggle daily.
There is a reason most lottery winners who are poor typically lose all the money they win in a matter of years… Even hundreds of millions of dollars can disappear on them in often as little as 7 years. Understanding the psychology of how poverty finance works can help in these situations.
Most people, without financial literacy training, will immediately spend all of the money they have. This behavior is taught to them at a very young age. The reason is that money you don’t have can’t be taken from you. Debt is essentially forever and infinite. Liquid capital is extremely limited and will disappear if not used immediately. Most poor people will immediately spend all of their money on themselves, their family and their friends without thought. This desire to spend is not driven by greed, but instead by love. Everyone wants their friends and family to have the things they desire. Since money is temporary, spend it when it is available.
The psychology of not spending money is literally only a privilege of those who have some financial freedom.
From this lens, seeing a person you are with not spending their money on you is painful.
This isn’t to say that is exactly what is happening, but it sounds possible.
What does sound true is that you are already on guard. This on guard feeling is the part that is hard to escape… And frankly it can be difficult to ever move past this.
To be clear, this is a you problem.
That isn’t too say that you are wrong. But the problem is yours to figure out. Either you figure out if you think he is taking advantage of you or he isn’t.
This is going to be a you thing to work out. You should ask him questions to figure out what he is doing and how he feels. You need to figure out how you feel.
I’m floored by the fact that you tried to make OP feel guilty over doing what everyone should work towards: living within their resources.
“Spend it if you got it” is a terrible attitude to have, and KEEPS people poor. I’ve seen people making very little who still seem to make ends meet, and they crawl out of the hole eventually. I’m one of them. Not everyone who is poor is a spendthrift. It’s not a position of privilege, it’s a position of wisdom.
First, I never once recommend a “spend it if you got it” attitude. I am explaining a position that is heavily prevalent in poor communities. I 100% agree that this mentality can keep people poor.
Explaining something doesn’t mean advocating for it.
Second, getting out of poverty, as much as we would like to believe is a thing that everyone can achieve, is significantly more heavily weighted in luck and preparedness than everyday spending habits. Most Americans are completely wiped out by a single unexpected medical expense. There is quite literally nothing most people in America can do about this as an individual.
Getting out of debt/poverty might not be a position of privilege… But being out of debt/poverty is 100% a privilege.
Third, at no point did I try to make op feel guilty about being smart with his money.
The fact that he is in a position of privilege, and how he deals with that with romantic partners who might not share the same privilege is 100% his responsibility.
It is wholely unfair for him to expect his partner to participate in things his partner cannot afford and he has to figure out how he feels about his partner potentially using his wealth.
It is not his partners decision how he feels about those things.
I recognize that this is a difficult position to be in. Income imbalance and wealth disparities make relationships hard.
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