I’m really stuck. I’ve been unhappy for years and we’ve done couple’s therapy and tried to reconnect, but it’s just not enough.
I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can’t see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don’t know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they’ve been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.
How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn’t seem like something I could possibly do… but I can’t stay here, I’m withering away.
Help?
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Talk to a therapist by yourself. Don’t ask random strangers on the Internet.
Just to weigh in for once, since this is a common reply… That is certainly correct. But I think most people already know. Nonetheless, for some reason they still decide to ask strangers on the internet. I believe some people have their own reasoning behind that. I guess I just wanted to say that. Ultimately it’s not wrong to point out this is just a random and biased crowd of people who supposedly spend too much time on the internet. Some people also need to hear that.
Married for 4 in the relationship for 10. I said I’m not happy, you’re not happy… let’s go to couples therapy… She said only crazy people go to therapy.
I said I’m crazy then… Picked up the phone to call and she cried because “she wasn’t crazy”
I told her if she couldn’t put forth the effort to work with me on our relationship… Then I wasn’t either.
I moved into the spare room and then out shortly afterwards.
5 years later I’m remarried with a kid in a different part of the state.
My ex is a good person she and I just weren’t good together.
Just do it op. It’s not as scary as you imagine
As a person that was left with the mortgage after a break up, I wouldn’t worry too much. It was scary having to take on the financial responsibility of two people by myself, but I’ve made it work so far and I’ve had ample opportunity to get out of it if I so desired.
What’s worse is thinking about still being in a relationship where we both were unhappy no matter how much therapy or more intertwined we got with each other. In the period that things were ending, thinking about the finances was scary (It really was eye opining to realize that the thing I was afraid of was financial and not loosing the other person.). In hindsight, still being in that relationship seems much worse.
Whatever you choose to do (my vote is to talk to a therapist solo), do it soon. I don’t mean that you should put pressure on yourself and rush things, but that I don’t want you to spend any more time feeling stuck and unhappy.
If/when you talk to your partner about divorce, I expect they’ll promise anything in order to change your mind. Be prepared for the avalanche of bullshit, and don’t believe a word they say. Without you, they’ll actually have to be financially responsible for themselves. That is their real fear.
Edit: don’t second guess yourself when it turns out you’re not 100% right. That’s an impossible standard. Even in the most lopsided cases, the obviously wronged party can still take a tiny amount of blame. Plus (no offense intended) it sounds like it would be pretty easy to get you to feel responsible for things that aren’t actually your fault. Don’t be afraid to be tough.
