I want to hear your theories! Please do not provide any sources beyond what is in your heart. I’ll start us off with some likely scenarios:

1. The leg of Henry Kissinger’s pants got caught in the wheel of his wheelchair, and because he had the consistency of wet dough, rather than ripping the cloth his entire body was pulled under and slowly bisected from the bottom up like a bucket of toy slime under a pizza cutter.

2. Henry Kissinger and Noam Chomsky were playing around with Kissinger’s dad’s gun and Henry Kissinger wanted to check if you could see the bullet through the barrel just as Chomsky was firing at an imaginary robber.

3. Unclear exactly how he died, but the winner of the Kissinger Death Tontine turns out to be a three time champion of American Ninja Warrior.