Does anyone else have or had a problem creating and maintaining a female self image in your mind? I can barely do it if at all, and it can be a little distressing. I can only see myself as the overly masculine body that I currently have.
I’m not on HRT nor presenting as a woman in public. Maybe if I was my self image would change?
I am going to be reading and re-reading your comment for a while. Thank you so so much for replying. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
are you thinking about whether to transition or take HRT? I’m here if you want to chat …
Maybe, and thank you. I guess my question may seem odd since I’m not actively transitioning. The context is that I recently came out to my wife with the understanding that while this is who I truly am I dont have any intention to transition. Mostly because it just feels impossible. Something interesting has happened though, being honest and open with her is leading me to being more honest with myself. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’ve been treating the possibility of transitioning seriously for the first time in a very long time.
Part of that has been second guessing myself over and over, which is kind of where my original question was coming from. I know who I am and, in a perfect world, what I want, but then I think, well if I really want to feel whole and complete so bad then why don’t I even have the correct self image?
It’s not odd, I think after my egg-cracking but before I transitioned I had a big crisis about “who am I really” - I wanted reassurance that transition was the right thing to do, and in my fear I built up all these ways I wanted certainty before I committed to something as drastic as transitioning.
I remember going through a phase similar to what you are describing, where I had socially transitioned and felt increased directness and honesty - an ability to be myself more then opened the door to being more authentic and transparent in other ways, too. I became more emotionally vulnerable and sensitive (even before estrogen).
All I can say is the second-guessing hasn’t gone away for me, nor did I have it resolved before I made major decisions - instead, as I move forward based on the information I have (e.g. that transitioning is the only way to treat dysphoria), while it feels like a leap of faith it’s built on a significant body of evidence, and while I feel surprised when the outcomes are exactly as predicted (i.e. each transition step makes me feel happier and healthier), the self-doubt remains. I think it quiets over time, esp. as decisions are made and moved past - but I think the transphobia and fear around transitioning is so great that most of us go through pretty intense denial, doubt, and imposter syndrome.
I highly suggest educating yourself on this topic more, the more I learned the more it became clear to me how important transitioning was - you may or may not have the same experience, but the education is helpful regardless.
Common beginner recommendations are the Gender Dysphoria Bible, and Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl. If curious about what hormone therapy might look like, transfem science’s intro article is another essential read for newcomers.
If you have any questions feel free to ask, too. I transitioned later in life well into a marriage, so I understand a lot of how you might feel 😅
You’re right, I desperately want reassurance. As bad as it is now, transitioning almost feels like committing suicide. Destroying my life and inviting unbearable shame. I know this is wrong, and I’m trying to change my thinking and feelings. I’ve made progress though, like you say about moving past decisions. I’m not scared anymore to be perceived as doing unmasculine things in public like crossing my legs in a femine manner, or having polished and shaped nails.
The second guessing would be easier to deal with if the dysphoria was more consistent. It can be very bad at times, such as right now, but then go away for weeks or months before roaring right back. This is how it’s been for 25 years: cope, live with it, suffer for a while, repeat. Getting older seems to be making it worse too, because it feels like I’m running out of time.
I don’t know if my relationship is going to survive me coming out, even without transitioning. If it does fall apart that might help me make that leap of faith, but for now I’m still trying to convince myself that there’s another way and that I dont have to transition. Even though I dearly wish I could.
I recently read Whipping Girl and it was incredible. I plan on reading more of Serano’s books. The Gender Dysphoria Bible is amazing too.
Thank you for the advice and sharing your experience. It means a lot.